


What We Feel Is A Choice

by StandinShadow



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Hunk (Voltron) is a Good Friend, In a Very Literal Way, Keith (Voltron) Has Anxiety, Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron)-centric, Korean Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is Nurturing, Loss of Identity, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Witch Curses, implied Klunk but also ignorable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-16 06:51:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13630953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StandinShadow/pseuds/StandinShadow
Summary: Keith knows that his impulsive decisions and intense emotions have hurt the team before and he can't help but think they're the reason everyone he cares about eventually leaves, one way or another. So when Keith has a chance to get rid of both, it doesn't take long for him to make a decision.Keith just doesn't expect anyone to miss what he gave away.





	1. Mephistopheles

  Keith has been with the Blade for almost six weeks when they find Lotor and his entire mission comes to an end. He’s at a loss for how to go forward, and he lies on his bed trying to figure out the right choice. Keith wants to go back to Voltron, but he knows that isn’t the ethically right choice, not when they’re in the middle of the war and there’s no lion for him to pilot.

  Even if he’s not as … focused as the other blades yet, Keith can do more for the cause overall here than he can with the paladins. But that doesn’t make Keith wish for the opposite any less, wish that he was wanted and needed by Voltron. his selfishness rising to the surface like always, and Keith groans as he presses his head into his pillow. What did anyone do to deserve being stuck with him, himself included? Why he couldn’t he just fit in somewhere?

  “Keith, please come to the bridge. We have urgent matters to discuss involving the Paladins of Voltron,” Kolivan’s voice rings out across the com, emotionless and giving away nothing. Keith used to think it was just a trait of his, but he’s since found out it’s a skill every member of the Blade has perfected. Well, every member except for him. Keith is better at espionage now, probably even better with his blade, but he’s still an impulsive hothead who makes too many mistakes to be worth keeping around. Keith just wonders if Kolivan realized that before he did for once. Keith’s gotten pretty good at knowing when it’s time to go, but he’s not perfect.

  Keith slides off of his bed and runs to the deck of the Blade, twisting through the sterile white and grey hallways. He expects Kolivan to be standing there with some kind of mission plan, or maybe even for Shiro and the others to be on the screen across from him. It’s none of that, though. It’s just Kolivan, expression slightly pinched as he stares over at Keith. On the screen is Allura in her spacesuit rather than her paladin armor, smiling nervously as she glances over at him. This isn’t what Keith expected.

  “What? Is everything okay?” Keith calls as he makes his way over to the screen, crossing his arms as he glances between Allura and Kolivan. He doesn’t think they’d call for him unless they needed him, but neither of them is saying anything and they both seem annoyed, though more with each other than with him. Do they want Keith to be the peacemaker? Because that’s not going to go well. “Kolivan, what is happening?”

  “We are all fine, Keith, but we need you to return to the castle at once. I only had so much magic that I could lend Coran, and with the recent spread of the coalition, we need the wormholes now more than ever,” Allura explains in a clipped voice, as though she wants to get out all of this as quickly as possible. Keith is stunned as he stares back at her, eyes widening as he tries to process what she just said. They want him to come back? Well. _Needed_ him to come back. “Furthermore, it’s time I learn how to use the abilities I gained from Zarkon’s witch. Keith, we need you to come back and pilot the Red Lion again.”

  “Of course, Allura,” Keith says with a quick nod, glancing at Kolivan out of the corner of his eye to make sure Kolivan agreed. Not that it would stop Keith from going back, but he’d prefer not to burn any more bridges. Keith and the coalition both don’t have enough as it is. Kolivan simply nods at him, slight and expressionless. Keith turns back to Allura, gaze tight and determined. “Whatever the mission needs.”

  “We’ve missed you Keith,” Allura tells him after a moment, voice growing warmer as she smiles at him, cat-like as she gazes at him. Keith returns it after a second, his own crooked as he takes in her words. No one has ever missed him before, not as far as Keith knows. “It will be good to have the team back together.”

  “I missed you guys too,” Keith tells her softly as he comes over to the comm, the connection growing weak and fading away just as he sees Allura start to nod. He hopes she heard what he said.

   Keith can’t help but walk off the dock with a slow-building anxiety, because he didn’t fix anything while he was gone. Keith tried, he tried really hard, but nothing’s changed. He’s still the same person he was when he left the team. Keith won’t be leader this time, and that should help things, but … who Keith _is_ caused problems before he was leader, for the team and just as a friend. Allura and the others might miss him, but Keith’s doesn’t think they should.

* * *

  “Keith, you seem upset. I thought you would be pleased to return to Voltron,” Kolivan murmurs a few days after Allura calls. Kolivan is watching Keith stand by the windows in the training hall, staring out into the emptiness of space. He guesses he can see why that would come off as ominous. Keith stiffens at Kolivan’s words, biting his lip as he glances down at the floor. He wishes his emotions weren’t so obvious. Or at least he wishes, if they were, the reason behind them was a little clearer because Keith never knows _what_ exactly he’s feeling or why until it’s too late.

  “What?” Keith mutters in a tight voice instead of saying any of that, because he barely feels comfortable opening up with the other paladins (okay, most of the time he still doesn’t, but why should they burden his problems?), let alone Kolivan. Keith takes a deep breath, swallowing slightly as he shakes his head without meeting Kolivan’s gaze. he figures it’s better to be honest. Kolivan doesn’t tolerate lying. “I am, I’m just anxious about it, I guess? There were reasons I left Voltron in the first place.”

  Kolivan comes next to him, staring down at him with a slight frown as he takes in his words. Kolivan’s gaze softens, almost looking regretful as he turns his eyes away from Keith and to the vastness of space. “Yes, I’m sorry our mission to find Lotor did not come to fruition and that I was not able to provide you with more information about your mother.”

  “Oh, no. I mean, I did want to find and stop Lotor, though now we can keep an eye on him at least,” Keith says back to him, voice growing a bit harder as he thinks about their enemy. Former enemy, current potential ally. Keith still doesn’t trust him, and the thought of the other man makes him glower, lips twisting into a snarl. But that isn’t what this conversation is about. Keith bites his lip, gaze flicking to the floor as he considers what to say, how to tell Kolivan that his joining the Blade was for the team as much as it was for the mission. “And finding out more about my mom was more of … silver lining to a difficult choice. I left because I knew it was what was best for Voltron and the mission. I don’t have reason to think that’s not still true.”

  “Your views of that situation seem largely correct, but it no longer matters. Voltron is in need of another Paladin and far as we know, you are the only other person capable of flying a lion,” Kolivan answers him after a moment, voice calm and neutral again as he looks over at Keith. It’s not the pep talk Keith wants, but it is the cold reality of his situation. Keith’s not going back to Voltron because he’s the right person for the team, he’s going because he’s necessary for the team, at least until they can find a way for the castle to function without Allura full time. Keith is there as a cog, a part of the mission. He knows that.

  “Right. Thanks, Kolivan,” Keith whispers, giving the other man a small nod as he walks across the dock. He needs to focus more on the mission than his own flaws and insecurities. Keith knows that. So why can’t he do it? Why do all of these stupid things he can’t change keep getting in the way?

  Keith arrives at his bedroom with a low sigh, collapsing onto the bed without taking off any of his armor. Maybe he’ll find the answers in the next two days before he arrives back at the castle. Stranger things _have_ happened in his life.

* * *

  “Hey guys, we just wanted to let you know we’re headed your way,” Keith tells them as he stares over at them on the monitor, hating how he can hear the anxiety in his own voice. He’s being a burden again. Keith swallows, taking a few deep breaths before smiling over at the screen, small and weak but hopefully enough to make the team think it’s just him being well, him. Keith guesses that is true. Lance and Hunk return his smiles with much wider ones, Pidge giving him a watery wave from where she is to the left of Hunk. “Kolivan thinks we should be there by the morning.”

  “We’ll try not to run into any dangerous threats before then,” Shiro says as he comes into view, giving Keith a soft smile as he looks over the monitor at him. Keith feels his own grow slightly warmer and more open at the look. Maybe he is worrying about nothing. “I’m sure Red will be happy to see you.”

  “If Red will take me back,” Keith mutters before he can stop himself, gaze dropping to the floor as he remembers the last time he sat in Red’s safe, warm cockpit, moved swiftly across battlefields instead of lumbering in Red or twisting around in stolen jets. He misses her, misses the ease and rightness in which he piloted her. But things have changed in the past three months. He left her for Black and she bonded with Lance, and then for six weeks he left the team altogether. They were only together for seven months and Red, well, she wasn’t with him by choice. Keith wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want him back. “We don’t know that will happen. Black rejected you at first and I’m … we just can’t know.”

  Pidge sniffles as she raises an eyebrow at Keith, cocking her to the side as she peers at him. Keith takes a step back, eyes widening a bit as he crosses his arms. Pidge grins then, bright and with a mischievous glint in her eyes that only makes Keith want to take another step back, though he doesn’t. “Well, did you change a bunch when you joined the blade? Did you stop flying off the handle in fights and not listening?”

  “Well, no,” Keith admits with a small shrug, glancing up at her with a slight eye roll. Yeah, yeah, he knows that he … did that a few times. It’s why he’s with the Blade in the first place.

  “Did you stop shooting first and asking questions later like a poor man’s Han Solo?” Lance asks as he leans in, wiggling his eyebrows and smirking a bit. Keith lets out a small scoff, though he grins at Lance for a second before he thinks about what he said. Then Keith frowns, eyebrows scrunching together as he stares over at Lance. Lance’s own eyes widen as he takes a step back from the camera, pressing his hand to his chest as he stares at Keith in horror he’s not sure is entirely pretend. “You really don’t know who Han Solo is? Keith. We have a lot of movies to watch when you’re back on this castle. That’s shameful.”

  “Did you stop being so emotional?” Hunk throws out with a bright smile as he leans into the camera. Keith blinks back at him, mouth falling open a little because that was blunter than he expected. Hunk seems to realize that a second later, wincing as he pushes his eyebrows together and holds a hand up apologetically. Keith smiles at him and lets out a small chuckle, because honestly, he missed this too. “Not that you are, just you would yell a lot or get broody, or do both, or just, sometimes your face would do things, okay!”

  “I think what everyone is trying to say is that as long as you still have the … qualities that connect you to the Red Lion, you will be able to pilot it once again,” Allura tells him as she cuts Hunk off before he can dig more of a hole for himself. Keith grins at both of them, trying to show there’s no hard feelings as he meets Hunk’s eyes. Hunk seems to get it, giving him a small thumbs up as he moves to let Allura shift a bit more into frame. Keith wonders if now he’ll hear about how Blade Keith takes being teased better.

  “Thanks, Allura,” Keith murmurs as he meets his friends’ gaze, Allura’s words making him feel just that much better. Normally Keith might get annoyed or anxious about having the flaws he thinks make him an unpredictable  paladin pointed out, but he knows the team doesn’t mean it that way, maybe doesn’t mean it at all. It’s just like when they all teased Lance before, it’s a way of letting each other know they’re friends, that they care and that they accept him. That Keith isn’t this scary, unreachable thing to them anymore.

  “Though let’s hope being with the Blade helped to change some of those,” Shiro says in a warm voice, but there’s a firmness underneath that feels like pure ice to Keith. Just like that, the atmosphere of acceptance is gone. Keith remembers the truth: he was a bad paladin and a bad friend. The next few words Shiro says only make that clearer, a hint of bitterness to his tone that makes Keith stiffen more with each word. “The Red Lion’s paladin is supposed to be able to tame the Red Lion’s wild emotions, not just have them himself.”

  “Hey, Keith always handled Red’s moods just fine,” Lance snaps as he takes a step forward as though to block as much of Shiro as he can from Keith’s view, shooting the other man a quick glare.

   “It’s fine, Lance, Shiro is right. I’ll talk to you all later,” Keith tells them all in a tight voice, one that sounds harsh even to his own ears. They all wave as Keith turns the camera off right as Shiro opens his mouth, the screen going black abruptly. He doesn’t need to hear more reasons why he doesn’t belong on the team or an apology he doesn’t deserve.

  Keith knew Shiro was right before Shiro ever did.

* * *

  Two days later and on the morning,  they’re meant to drop him off on the castle, they get a distress call mid-flight. Kolivan wants to wait until he leaves Keith with the paladins to investigate, but Keith insists they go now, because any of the refugees down there could be dead by the time they get back from their mission. Or does Kolivan not remember the mistakes that led to Keith joining the blade in the first place? Any choice he makes has consequences, and Keith isn’t letting someone’s life be on there if he can help it.

  And that’s how he finds himself heading off three Galra droids attacking a woman with light blue skin, tentacle like hair (or just tentacles, but they’re on her head) pouring down over her face so Keith can only just make out her brown, pupiless eyes. She’s not an alien Keith has ever seen before, so he’s not positive the purple stuff oozing out of her forearm is blood, but he thinks it’s a pretty safe bet as he rushes over to her.

  “Are you all right? Here you’re bleeding, let me bandage -” Keith cuts himself off as he watches the woman lie a pale blue hand over her wound, the area filling up with a red light. When she pulls her hand back, the wound is gone, the skin underneath smooth and unmarred. Keith’s eyes widen as he stumbles back, pulling open his blade mask so he can look the woman in the eye. “How did you do that? Is there a way I can do that?”

  “Are you a witch, child?” She asks as she raises an eyebrow, her words making Keith still. The only other witch Keith has met during this war is Zarkon’s. but that doesn’t mean anything about this woman. Keith’s learned – the hard way – that judging anyone by their background or experience is a mistake. But she’s also a stranger with powers Keith doesn’t understand and that makes her enough of an unknown entity to put Keith on guard. He takes a step back, one hand on his blade as he gives the woman a once over. He can’t see any weapons.

  “I’m not a witch or a child,” Keith answers her in a tight voice, glaring a bit at the word ‘child’. He takes a step toward her, pressing his mouth into a tight frown as he tries to imitate Kolivan or Shiro or, well, anyone better at this than him. “What are you doing in the middle of Galra occupied territory, you could’ve been killed.”

  “Research and waiting for the right person to come along,” The witch tells him as though that answers anything her smile serene and her tentacle like hair, sliding forward toward him. Keith stares down at them, biting his lip as the tentacles brush against the front of his shirt. He has to admit that’s cool and terrifying at the same time. He wonders idly if she’s trying to poison him but pushes the thought aside. She feels trustworthy and his instincts aren’t always wrong.

  Keith takes a step back, shaking his head as he comes back to himself. He has no idea what just came over him, but he knows that he doesn’t like it. he needs to keep some distance between himself and this witch, good or bad. Keith cocks his head to the side as he looks over at her, voice clipped when he speaks. “And that would be?”

  “Someone who needed my gifts. You,” she says warmly as she takes a step toward him, though this time her hair doesn’t reach out and touch him. Keith appreciates that. She smiles at him, kind and with teeth that glow in a way that makes Keith feel like he should close his eyes. “After all, it’s the least that I can do for saving my life. You’re anxious. Let me give you a way to make sure those feelings never affect you again, young blade.”

  “No, I’m not!  Okay, maybe I am, but I have reason to be. I was a paladin of Voltron, and assuming Red takes me back I will be again, but nothing’s changed, I’m still a liability for the team and – why am I telling you all of this? What did you do to me?” Keith snaps, his voice going from anxious to angry in a matter of seconds as his grip tightens on his blade. Keith has no idea what this witch did, but whatever it is just made him spill his guts to a complete stranger and that’s dangerous enough for him. Keith goes to pull his knife out, only for the witch to hold up her hands, long fingers brushing against his wrist.

  “Nothing, but you are on a planet fueled by Quintessence, lying isn’t really an option here,” The witch explains to him in a calm voice, eyes dancing as she looks over at him. Keith has the sinking feeling that she thinks he’s funny. Keith swallows, biting his lip as he looks up at her, not quite able to will himself to push her hand off. It’s been awhile since anyone touched him in a nice way. “But if what you want is to no longer be a liability, I may be able to help. What is that you think you’re lacking?”

  “It’s not what I’m lacking, it’s what I have too much of. I’m too emotional, I’m always getting angry or sad and making bad decisions, and I’m too impulsive, and everything about me as a person is just – wrong. I’m bad for the team as a friend, let alone as a paladin,” Keith mutters as he slumps down more and more, the grip on his knife loosening as his words spill out. He doesn’t try to stop them or the way his gaze grows tighter with each word this time.

  The witch laughs, bright and warm as she leans over, her hair bumping his face every few seconds as she peers over him. Keith feels like he’s being examined, crossing his arms tighter against his chest as he glares up at her. He still doesn’t push her hand away, fingers wrapping around his wrist like soft tendrils. “Is that all? That’s an easy fix, Paladin. All I have to do is seal your emotions and instincts away. It’s a simple curse.”

  “I don’t want to be cursed,” Keith tells her in a harsh voice, pulling away this time as he shoots her a heated glare. Then he closes his eyes for a few moments and remembers what Allura and Shiro and everyone else told him about fighting first, about driving away allies. He needs to play nice.  When Keith speaks again, his tone is softer, kinder. “Look, thank you, but as much as I don’t want to be me, having free will is more important. My mistakes are at least my own. Besides, how would I ever know I wasn’t just doing what you wanted?”

  “Suspicious, aren’t you? I imagine that’s one of the things the other paladins do not like about you,” The witch muses as she turns to examine him again. Keith lets out a small gasp at her words, turning his gaze away from her and to the ground. That hit was too close to home to be a coincidence. “But it’s as I said, I cannot lie here anymore than you. And this curse does not take away your free will, simply your emotions and instincts. Any choice you make is still your own, maybe even more so than ever since you won’t have your emotions in the way.”

  Keith swallows at that, because it does make sense when she puts it like that. Keith’s emotions and impulses have caused every issue he’s had, the team had, since he joined Voltron, and if Keith’s being honest, every problem he’s had since he was eight. Without them, he’d be able to be clear and level-headed, make decisions without his baggage getting in the way. He could finally be like what Shiro wants him to be and the others needed him to be before he left. But … Keith doesn’t know this woman, either. “Why should I trust you?”

  “Because you clearly want to, and besides what do you have to lose? If you go back to Voltron as you are now, you’re sure to repeat the same mistakes and cause the same hurt for your friends and for the war effort,” The witch answers him in a cool voice, her hair bumping over his chest. The stare she gives him is knowing, and Keith wonders if she can see his memories or into his soul.

  “That’s not true!” Keith shouts as he throws a hand out and glares heatedly at the witch, ready to argue with her. And then he stops, because all he’s doing is proving just how true it is. He’s arguing with a stranger on an empty planet, holding up the journey back to the castle, and for what? Because this witch pointing out the truth hurts his feelings? Keith really is a mess. He takes a deep breath, meeting her eyes with a curious look of his own. “Will it – you said it’s a curse. Why a curse and not a spell?”

  “Because it can be broken,” She explains as though that’s obvious, voice a bit warmer now as her hair bumps over his chest. Keith cocks his head to the side and bites his lip, because he doesn’t do things halfway. If his feelings are going to be gone, he wants them to be gone. “But only if people who truly love you wish to have the old you back more than they want to keep the new version of you. Only you can know if that is a possibility.”

  “It’s not,” Keith says with a tight laugh, one that sounds pained even to his own ears. It’s not that he thinks the rest of the team hates him or anything – none of them are like that, he doesn’t think they hate anyone except Zarkon and Haggar. But Keith knows he makes things difficult for them, hurts their feelings in a thousand different ways, pushes them away when they need him, and just, Keith knows they’d like him better if he was more like them. Agreeable. Friendly. Good. “Would I still be able to fly Red?”

  The witch nods as she smiles at him, taking a step back as though to give him more space to make his decision. “Yes, your emotions and instincts would still exist to connect you to the lion, you just wouldn’t be able to connect with them. If that is your only concern, take my hand, paladin, and be freed from your worries.”

Keith takes a deep breath and grabs her hand and for a second, terrifyingly, everything goes dark, body bending in on itself like a bow as he feels pains shoot through him. Every cell in his body feels like it’s on fire as he lets out silent screams for help, hands clawing in the air as he reaches out for something he can’t find. And then it stops, vision and hearing coming back to him as he finds himself on his knees in front of the witch.

  He feels fine. Keith guesses that’s all he’ll ever feel again.

* * *

  The witch disappears before he can thank her, gone in a cloud of blue smoke that Keith pushes through. He needs to get back to the ship. Keith sits and counts the titles along the metal wall as they travel the next few minutes. Kolivan watches him but says nothing, and Keith thinks the silence is comfortable even as Kolivan shifts around in his chair.

  Keith gives him a serene smile as he climbs off the ship and onto Voltron’s hangar nodding as the older man’s ship doors slowly close. Kolivan’s gaze looks almost sad as the door shuts, but Keith doesn’t have time to worry about that. Pidge is charging toward him and he needs to be prepared for an attack.

  “Keith! You’re back!” Pidge cries as she flings herself across the room, running at full speed. Keith watches her move, body angled in a way that would get her arm slicked off in a fight. Shiro should warn her about that. It would hurt the mission if one of the paladins of Voltron was injured. Her arms wrap around him suddenly, face pressed into his chest.

  Keith stares down at her for a second, until she looks up expectantly. What does she want? Then she squeezes him again and Keith understands, wrapping his arm around her back stiffly. He eases into it after a moment, giving her a placid smile as he watches Pidge grin up at him.

  “I am, thank you, Pidge,” Keith tells her as she lets go of him, nodding slightly at her words. He doesn’t understand why she’s acting like this is a shock, they knew that would be coming back today. He told all of them so yesterday. Maybe it slipped her mind though. She and the other paladins are very busy. Keith looks past her down the hallway, voice even as he takes a few steps down the familiar path. “Are the others here or are they out on a mission? Would they need our help?”

  “No, everyone’s here, Keith. You know, you don’t have to think about the mission all the time,” Pidge tells him in a tone he doesn’t understand, face pinched as she scurries ahead of him. Keith blinks and then keeps walking, expressionless as he dismisses his words. The mission is everything, Pidge is aware of that. Keith remembers, vaguely, yelling at her about it once, though the memory feels foreign to him now, thin and wispy as it crosses his mind. Either way, Pidge is well aware of the importance of their mission. “Hunk was trying to find something nice to add to your room as a surprise, but it was so barren he couldn’t think of anything and he was asking for help, so they’re probably there.”

  “I like to be able to pick up and leave whenever I want,” Keith explains as he reaches the door, waiting for Pidge to go inside. She doesn’t, posture growing stiff as she turns around to stare at him. There’s something sad in her gaze, pained. Keith has no idea what to do or why she’s upset. So he gives her the same call smile that he did before, taking a step around her so he’s closer to the door. Keith needs to see the others and find out if there’s any pertinent mission information he needs to know, and if not, he might sleep.

  “Yeah, we’ve kind of noticed,” Pidge mutters under her breath, crossing her arms tightly against his chest. The motion makes Keith feel a bit strange, turning to stare at her more fully what does that move remind him of? What does Pidge remind him of? But then she unfurls her arms, cocking her head to the side as she stares up at him. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be, everything you said was true,” Keith answers with a wider version of the smile he gave before, because maybe that’s politer. Pidge just stares at him blankly and then walks ahead of him, pushing through the door. Keith follows her and looks around to find that he’s not alone.  Hunk throws his arms around him immediately, squeezing him tightly. This time Keith knows what Hunk probably expects, patting him on the back stiffly for a moment until the other boy lets him go. Lance is watching him with narrowed eyes, and Keith gives him the same smile he gave Pidge in the hallway. “Hi Hunk, Lance. It’s good to see both of you too. How have things been? Did you and Blue’s bond re-establish easily?”

  “Of course it did! Blue and I are a team Keith, a perfect bond. We belong together,” Lance tells him in a bright voice, raising an eyebrow as he looks over at Keith. Hunk lets go of Keith and Lance slides in, giving him a half-hug that Keith’s able to return a bit better. Lance gives him a tight look as they part, gaze lingering on his mouth. “You and Red do too, you know. Where would Voltron be without its two favorite hotheads?”

  “Probably a lot safer,” Keith answers as he lets the smile fade to the expressionless look from before, sitting down on the edge of his bed. Someone put red sheets on it, he notices as he runs a hand over hem, before turning his gaze back to the others.

  Pidge seems upset, arms crossed again as she moves to the back of the room, leaning against the empty white wall. Hunk lets out a nervous laugh, and Lance joins him a moment later, though he’s still watching Keith like he was before. Keith has no idea what any of it means, but he does his best to smile at them until they leave the room.

  Keith sits in his room for a few hours, closing his eyes and letting time drift over him. When he has been there long enough so that his muscles aren’t as sore as they were this morning, Keith makes his way down to the hangars. He needs to reintroduce himself to Red.

  The witch said that the lion wouldn’t reject him for the curse, but now Keith doesn’t remember why he was worried one way or the other that the lion would. If she does, he can just go back to the Blade and Red can find a new pilot in the coalition. It doesn’t affect their mission or the war at all, really.

  “Red, I’m back from the Blade of Marmora. I know it’s been awhile since I was your pilot, but I hope you’ll be able to take me on again,” Keith tells the Lion as he sits on her foot, leaning back against her leg. He doesn’t look at the Lion, not feeling like he needs to since she’s only a machine, if an advanced one. Red growls in the back of his mind, and Keith decides that means she must be unhappy. He can’t tell why though, if it’s because he left or because he’s back. Keith turns to look at her face. “If not, we’ll start looking for other Paladins.”

  “ _Not Right.”_

  Keith nods, some of his hair falling into his eyes as he considers Red’s words. He feels something twinge deep in his gut, but Keith pushes it aside to focus on the Lion in front of him instead. The mission won’t wait for Keith to figure out why he’s having stomach pains, after all. Keith gives her the same placid smile as the others. “If I’m not a good fit any more or if you can’t forgive me for my mistakes, that’s fine -”

_“No! You. You’re broken. Tell the others. Get better.”_

  “I’m not broken Red, I’m fine. Give it time and you’ll see that this is better for everyone, including you,” Keith answers her evenly, shaking his head at her words because he understands logically why Red would think that. If she can sense that he’s cursed through the quintessence, he can see how that would come across as him being sick or in some way injured. There would be no way for Red to differentiate between him being under something negative or the curse being a positive with that limited information.

_“I want my Keith.”_

  “You didn’t want me in the first place, you only accepted me as a pilot because I was forced onto you,” Keith tells her and for a second the twinge in his stomach gets deeper, thicker, and there’s something in his voice that is right and wrong at the same time. Red purrs at the sound, reaching out to him, and Keith takes a step back. The twinge fades away and Keith’s voice slides back into the neutral tones from before. He needs to give Red all of her options, so she can make the best choice for the team. If that doesn’t include Keith, that’s fine. “I can return to the Blade and find a better pilot for you – “

_“No. Mine.”_

“Okay,” Keith answers her, sliding one hand over the metal in an imitation of the hug he gave the others earlier. Everyone seems to like that. Red doesn’t respond beyond a low growl. Keith shrugs a bit, because he guesses Red can’t understand hugs with her limited AI. It doesn’t really matter, he needs to check if there any updates on the mission.

 Keith turns the corner and finds himself face to face with Lance, who stares over at him with wide eyes, hands up like he thinks Keith is going to shoot at him. That’s ridiculous. Lance is the one with a bayard for a gun, not Keith.

  Keith walks over to him, giving Lance an expressionless look as he waits for the other boy to speak. Lance swallows a few times, like he has something caught in his throat, and then he slides his hand to Keith’s shoulder for some reason.

  “Hey, I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help overhearing you tell Red that it’d be okay if she found a different pilot,” Lance says in a soft voice, eyebrows sloping to the side as he squeezes Keith’s shoulder. Keith waits for Lacne to explain why him telling Red that concerned Lance, or why it made him feel like he needed to hold Keith’s shoulder like this. The last time he did this, Keith was being given an undeserved promotion. That isn’t happening now. “Trouble in paradise? Need some help getting the bond back? Because you know, it was smooth sailing with Blue and I, but if you needed some of the Lance magic to smooth things over, I’d understand.”

  “Thank you, but Red and I are fine. She understands that things will be different now and she’ll have to adjust,” Keith tells him, keeping his words clear and precise so he doesn’t have to lie. Red roars in the back of his head, but Keith ignores her. He already explained the situation to her, and he knows with time she’ll realize that it is the best course of action for everyone.

  “Okay, whatever that means,” Lance mutters harshly as he gives Keith a strange look, frowning tightly but his eyes don’t look angry. Instead they seem sad, almost worried as Lance leans in a bit toward him. It reminds Keith of the witch, and he wonders why both of them are so concerned when Keith is fine. He has no injuries and he isn’t even tired or malnourished or dehydrated right now.

  “Do we have any mission about the recent invasion near the Arusians? Kolivan said Voltron was considering returning there as a stronghold,” Keith asks Lance instead of responding to what he just said, because Keith has no idea what Lance meant. The mission is more important than trying to figure out why Lance didn’t understand the meaning of his words. Besides, his relationship with Red won’t affect Lance in any real way, so the information is unnecessary for him. Keith can’t really figure out why Lance asked.

  “Oh, we’d have loved to, but Kolivan ended up taking a certain _someone_ there to do the spy work instead,” Lance spits out, glaring as he stares over at the Lions. Keith blinks a bit, trying to figure out what Lance is talking about when he remembers. Lotor is traveling with the Blade as a way of assuring he couldn’t easily betray the coalition and so they can examine his motives. Keith knows Kolivan has been adding new planets to the Blade’s coverage as he tries to move more members out of the empire and into the field, and Arusia would be new.

  “That makes sense. Lotor’s smart and Kolivan can keep an eye on him as long as he has a few Blades posted there,” Keith says as he considers the specifics of what Lance is telling him about, because that might be what’s annoying Lance. Lance curls his lip as he leans in, eyebrows sloping down and toward each other. Keith guesses that isn’t what’s upsetting Lance. Maybe he is worried about them losing potential allies? Keith can reassure him about that too. “The risk is minimal.”

  “Yeah, I get that, but aren’t you mad that jerk is taking on enemies somewhere we can’t watch him and makes sure he doesn’t betray us for his dad or some hair masks?” Lance mutters, grinning a bit at his own joke – Keith thinks it was a joke – even as he still looks put out. Keith nods slightly, trying to smile again because he knows that’s the polite thing to do when someone makes a joke. Lance takes a step back, hands on his hips as he lets out a low sigh. “Really? C’mon, this is one of those times where I want you to get riled up, Keith.”

  “The main reason I trained with the Blade was to become a better leader, a better paladin. Part of that is learning how to deal with your emotions,” Keith explains to Lance, careful not to tell any lies about what’s going on with him. He doesn’t want create suspicion. Keith is telling the truth, he needed to learn how to deal with his emotions, and for him that meant getting rid of them. Keith’s voice and smile are both flat when speaks again. “I’m not going to get riled up anymore, Lance.”

  Keith expects Lance to be relieved, so he doesn’t understand why Lance’s gaze grows sad and watery for a moment, lips twisted in confusion as takes a step back. Keith smiles tranquilly until Lance finally turns around and walks away, Keith following a moment later because he should go rest or train depending on what Shiro and Allura think is a more valuable use of his time. Lance shoots him one last confused look when they reach the end of the hallway, hand coming back to his shoulder as he frowns tightly at him.

  Keith smiles and shoves his hand off.  


	2. Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***** indicates scene changes from the same POV, just so no one is lost!

  Lance doesn’t know how it became his responsibility to make sure Keith’s okay, but somewhere along the way it has, and Lance takes that job seriously. If he’s honest, no one is asking him to do it, Lance chose to reach out to Keith about Shiro and then about why the Black Lion picked him. Maybe Lance wants to make up for deciding Keith was his rival or the how he handled some other stuff, or maybe he just like those soft smiles Keith gives him and the way he looks at Lance like he’s important, like he needs him.

  Or maybe Lance just likes Keith and wants him to be happy. And Keith isn’t right now, because Keith has been blank or avoiding them ever since he got back on the ship. Lance feels a bit like they’re all back to week one, except even worse, because at least Keith tried back then. Now he’s just ghosting them, but in person.  

  “Hey Keith, can I talk to you for a minute?” Lance calls out a little too loudly when he sees Keith in the hallway, not wanting to miss his shot. He’s been worried about Keith ever since he got back from the Blade. He figured there would be an adjustment period – Keith did spend six weeks with a bunch of his alien uncles – but the past few days have been more than a little weird. Keith has barely spoken to anyone, even Shiro, and his face is … well, empty. Dead-eyed. And not in a tired way or a secretly injured way, but more like he’s bored but all the time. And he and the others can be a lot of things, but boring isn’t one of them.

  Lance expects Keith to wince at his question, look away, something that gives away how he’s really feeling like Keith always does. Keith doesn’t wince though, he barely reacts at all beyond tilting his head to the left. Lance raises an eyebrow at that, one finger coming to rest against his chin as he leans in a bit to try and figure out what Keith’s hiding. “Sure, Lance. What’s up?”

  Lance takes a deep breath, clenching his hands for a moment before letting go, because right, this is the hard part of this conversation. The only way to find out why Keith found a brand-new way of pulling away from them, what happened with the Blade to make Keith do … whatever this is. Lance doesn’t get it, but he knows that it feels like something is wrong. Really wrong. So he gives Keith a tight smile, one hand coming toward his shoulder, only for Lance to pull back at the last minute. “You know it’s okay if you’re … not okay, right? Like, if you’re worried about being back on the team or waiting for the other shoe to drop or like, if you miss the Blade -”

  “I’m fine, but thank you, Lance,” Keith cuts him off with the same empty smile from yesterday, gaze giving away nothing as he stares over at him. Lance looks away first, gaze dropping to the ground as he swallows a bit, because he doesn’t feel like he’s helping anything this time. “Did you need something else?”

  “What do you mean you’re fine?” Lance snaps before he can stop himself, gaze narrowing as he peers over at the other boy. He’s definitely not helping now. But everything feels just a bit off. Keith’s always been quiet, especially compared to him, but not this quiet or even this much of a loner. And while Lance didn’t always know _why_ Keith was feeling whatever he was feeling in the past, he always had a pretty damn good idea of what Keith was feeling. But not now. “Sorry, no offense, but this is usually the kind of thing you got all broody over.”

  “Aren’t you the one who wanted me to stop being so hotheaded?” Keith asks tonelessly, smile fading as he watches Lance with those same dead eyes. Lance opens his mouth and then closes it, wincing a bit as he takes in Keith’s words. He made a lot of jokes, sure, but Keith knew they were just that, didn’t he? And there might have been moments where he went too far – what he said to Keith about using Shiro’s disappearance to take over as team leader wasn’t his finest moment – but he didn’t – he doesn’t – he wasn’t trying to change Keith. 

  “Yeah, I guess,” Lance admits after a second, gaze dropping to the ground as he frowns tightly at the tiles. He listens as Keith walks away, only looking up when he can’t hear the sound of his footsteps anymore. Lance can’t argue with that, and he knows that if Keith has changed this drastically, it’s not because of him or at least not just because of him. Keith is stubborn and determined, and anything he does, it’s because he wanted to do it. Lance just isn’t sure why this is what Keith wants.

 ***** 

  “Hey, mullet, mind if I join you?” Lance asks as he pushes his way through the doors with a small smile, watching as Keith bends backwards to keep from getting hit in the face by a droid. Now this is more like the Keith he knows and loves, spending all his free time training, expression … okay, that is more blank than determined, but there’s a thin sheen of sweat to it that makes Lance feel like this Keith is a bit closer to, well, Keith. Maybe he was overreacting yesterday, and Keith just needs some time to adjust to working on a team and not wearing a mask all the time. “Figured that both of the red paladins should get some training in together.”

  “Feel free,” Keith answers him as he ducks again, slightly out of breath but otherwise okay as far as Lance can tell. Lance gives him a bright smile, taking a few steps back as he gets his bayard into position. Keith doesn’t return his smile, because Keith doesn’t look back at him at all. He’s already got his attention back on the droid, ducking as it swings toward him, but just a hair too slow so it hits him in the chest. Keith lets out a pained noise, but then immediately turns around tries the same moves, the same swings and turns. It’s like every original thought, all of those instincts Lance used to be jealous of, have abandoned him. His fighting technique is still good, but besides that Keith is average at best.

  “Right,” Lance mutters in a low voice as he shoots one of the bots with his bayard, standing in the back of the room, because hey, he is the sniper. Keith watches the bot go down, gaze following as the metal clinks against the floor. Lance expects him to look annoyed with his performance, but Keith just nods at him as he starts walking toward the door. Lance shoots him a tight look, eyebrows pressed together. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay? Are you maybe sick? Because we have pods for that, you know.”

  “Why would I be sick?” Keith asks as he stares over at Lance, eyebrows shifting a little only to smooth out a second later. For a second, it was almost like he was actually going to show some emotion.

  Lance swallows, wincing a bit as his eyebrows slope to the side. Because okay, telling Keith that his abilities have gotten worse with the Blade, not better, isn’t a conversation Lance wants to be responsible for. And it’s not entirely true, anyway – Keith’s swordsmanship is way better. Just not his decision making or agility. “You’re – I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re a great fighter, you’re just usually faster with your moves.”

  “And think about how many times that got us into trouble, Lance,” Keith answers him flatly, gaze blank as he stares at Lance from across the room. Lance blinks a bit, shaking his head as he takes a few steps toward Keith, because yeah, that’s true, but Keith’s instincts and agility has also saved his life and plenty of other people’s too. Sometimes Lance wonders if Keith remembers that anymore.

***** 

  “Keith? Do you have a minute?” Lance calls as he walks into the other boy’s bedroom, glancing around the pristine, empty room with a pained frown. It’s not any different than it was before Keith left, and Lance guesses he should’ve expected that. It’s not like the Blade had time to take him shopping. But everyone else’s rooms feel so homey compared to Keith’s, filled with little knick knacks and reminders of earth. Keith’s is so barren, and Lance frowns a bit because that feels unfair. Keith deserves to have a room that looks like Keith, fiery and bright, maybe with some art on the walls. Shiro told him once that Keith likes to draw.

  “Sure, Lance. Was there something you needed?” Keith asks without moving from where he’s standing by the wall, posture straight and arms hanging loosely by his sides. His clothes and hair look even blacker against the white of the metal, gaze listless as he watches Lance walk toward him. He reminds Lance of a painting.

  “Actually, I wanted to know if you needed anything,” Lance tells him in a voice that’s too chipper by half, wide smile so forced he knows even Keith should be able to tell. Lance thinks Keith agrees, going by the way he frowns and shifts forward slightly. It’s the closest he’s come to an actual emotion in days, and Lance will take it. “Look, I know being with the Blade was probably different than being here with Voltron. They’re pretty hardcore, not that we aren’t, just. In a different way. And we’d understand if you needed to talk about some stuff you went through there.”

  “What are you talking about?” Keith asks as he cocks his head to the right this time, the rest of him staying perfectly still. Whatever glimmer Lance saw there before seems to have died. Lance gives him a slight glare, not sure what game Keith’s playing at here, besides that Lance doesn’t like it. “Working with the Blade was fine. I improved with my stealth and close combat skills. I could show you, if you wanted to learn.”

  “No, no, that’s okay,” Lance mutters as he looks down at the floor, gaze heavy as he presses his hands together. He probably should take Keith up on that offer, but right now he has no idea how to talk to Keith. Lance leans in again, gaze growing a little tighter and voice a bit firmer when he next speaks. Maybe if he makes himself more like Shiro, Keith will feel more like opening up. “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?”

  “Yeah, Lance,” Keith answers and this time he does smile, placid and nice in a way Keith isn’t, never has been. Which isn’t to say Keith’s a jerk or anything, he’s not – he’s passionate and protective and caring, and he has the softest smile in the world when he lets himself – but he’s also rough around the edges and full of emotion, and that smile is neither. It’s just empty and stiff, the kind of smile you get from someone in the middle of a 9-hour work day who’s on autopilot. It doesn’t fit Keith, looks alien on his face.

  Lance doesn’t say any of that though. He just walks out of the room.

* * *

  Hunk sees Keith as he walks into the common room, the bright red of his jacket glaring against the white of the couch. Hunk considers walking right out, because things have been … tense and weird lately, ever since Keith’s icy reaction to being a part of Voltron a few days ago. Hunk knows Keith isn’t the most open of guys, but Hunk thought they were all friends and getting somewhere before he came back from the Blade and acted like they were all strangers. But maybe Hunk is being too hard on him. After all, Keith’s been through a lot recently. He might time to readjust to being with them, people who care about him.

  “Keith, hey buddy, I haven’t seen a lot of you since you got back from the Blade,” Hunk calls out with a slight grin that doesn’t reach his eyes, gaze darting to where Keith is sitting on the couch. If Hunk’s honest, he’s been avoiding Keith as much as Keith’s been avoiding everyone else. Hunk doesn’t know how to hang out with him without talking about the explosion shaped elephant in the room, and he and Lance and Pidge haven’t really agreed about when they’re going to do that or if they’re going to include Allura and Shiro yet. So, Hunk sits down next to Keith on the couch, smile crooked as he glances over at him. “Been training a lot?”

  “Yeah. I need to relearn how to use my bayard,” Keith tells him, shrugging his shoulders in a way that’s too stiff by half. It doesn’t look right, Keith’s movements always having been fluid and graceful. Hunk frowns a little at that and scrunches his eyebrows together, wondering if Keith’s been training too hard. It won’t help any of them if Keith’s too sore to fly Red or swing his sword around.

  “Oh yeah, that makes sense, I guess it has been awhile since you flew Red,” Hunk murmurs as he actually thinks about Keith’s words and lets out a low exhale, gaze growing wistful as he remembers those first six months where they were all where it felt like they belonged. Hunk knows things can’t ever be exactly like that again, but he thought they’d feel a lot closer once they got Shiro back and now Keith came back from the Blade. But Keith’s been … distant at best, and Hunk thinks he knows why. “Speaking of flying things, you flew that Galra ship recently. That was cool. Matt told me that you almost flew it into the other ship and that only Lotor showing up stopped you, and that you would’ve you know, died.”

  “Yeah, that’s right,” Keith answers as he turns his gaze toward Hunk, having the audacity to give Hunk the same empty smile he’s been giving everyone else. Hunk narrows his gaze and turns his nose up in the air, half out of genuine offense and half to try and gets his thoughts in order. He expected Keith to get angry or defensive, maybe even cry, but he didn’t expect apathy. That’s a new one from Keith. Keith is looking over at him like he doesn’t even care that he almost died, that they all almost lost him.

  “Oh. Do you umm, do you want to talk about that maybe? I know you’re real big on the greater good and everything, but you almost died Keith, and it might not have even worked,” Hunk mutters, not quite able to keep the mix of hurt and scared and just a little angry out of his voice. He knows Keith was doing what he thought was best, Hunk gets that.

  “It’s all about weighing the risk versus potential outcome, Hunk,” Keith says serenely as he leans back against the couch, lips pressed into a thin line that gives away nothing. Hunk nods back at him, eyebrows sloping to the side as he eyes grow a bit watery. Keith thinks his life wasn’t that big of a risk. Keith’s willing to give his life away like it’s nothing and –

  No, Hunk knows that isn’t fair. Not really. If Lotor hadn’t shown up, they all probably would’ve died and he can … Hunk can’t see the math because Keith is his friend and as selfish as it is, he’s always going to come first for Hunk. But he can see how _Keith_ thinks his life was an easy trade for saving the coalition.

  “Right, no I get that, and I know that you didn’t make that choice because – I know you thought you were doing the right thing,” Hunk spits out, eyebrows scrunching to his side as he crosses his arms in frustration. Hunk is trying to find some common ground, because while he understands, he also wants, no _needs_ Keith to know that his life is just as valuable as anyone else’s. Hunk saw how Keith tried to take Zarkon on alone, how he throws himself recklessly into so many fights, how he always positions himself in front of other team members during battles, and now with this Naxzela thing well … it’s becoming a pattern. Not all of it bad, but …

  “Good, then we agree,” Keith tells him with the same smile as he suddenly rolls up from the couch, gaze and attention off of Hunk. Hunk blinks owlishly, eyes widening as he watches Keith walk out of the room, because what just happened? Keith doesn’t always have the most social graces and Hunk knows _he_ probably wasn’t the most gracious just springing this on him, but Keith doesn’t usually just politely exit stage left either.

  “I don’t think so,” Hunk mumbles once he’s alone, arms falling to his sides as he slumps more and more into the couch. Hunk still isn’t sure what he thinks about Keith’s self-sacrificial ways, but he knows he doesn’t like that new grin of his.

 ***** 

  Hunk walks into Lance’s room the day after his chat with Keith about Naxzela, pacing across the room while Lance stares at him with worried eyes from across the bed. Hunk needs to talk to someone else about what went down between him and Keith, about how weird Keith is being, and Lance and Keith are closer than he and Keith are. Or at least they were getting there before Kolivan locked Keith’s heart in a box, or whatever the Blade did to make Keith like this. It doesn’t really matter, except that it’s what has Hunk biting his nails again, slowly inching his way towards the bright blue sheets of Lance’s bed.

  “Hey Lance, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something,” Hunk says as he sits down on the edge of Lance’s bed, gaze pinched and mouth curled into a tight frown. Lance raises an eyebrow, setting his book to the side as he leans over to meet Hunk’s gaze. Hunk lets out a small whistle, expression growing sheepish as he remembers that talking about this with Lance also means letting Lance know that he brought up Naxzela with Keith by himself. At least Lance probably won’t be as upset as Pidge will be. “Well, not something, but someone.”

  “Would that someone be a certain paladin who went from being a hothead to having no feelings at all?” Lance asks as he raises an eyebrow, tone laced with bitterness and worry Hunk can’t really tell apart anymore. He feels the same way and he’s more relieved than anything that Lance is as worried as him. Lance sighs as he shifts closer to Hunk, their shoulders bumping as they stare at each other. Hunk looks away first, gaze growing heavy as the intensity of his stare brings all of Hunk’s fears to the forefront. Whatever is going on with Keith, it’s serious.

  “Okay, so I’m not the only one who thinks Keith is … different since he came back,” Hunk groans as he glances up at Lance and almost pouts, frown growing tighter as he stares past Lance and at the posters of all them on Lance’s wall. He put them in height order. Okay, Hunk knows he needs to confess the other issue here, because they can’t talk to Keith again unless Lance knows. “I tried to ask him about Naxzela, but he didn’t really seem to get it.”

  “I thought we said that we were going to do that as a team, with Pidge,” Lance reminds Hunk as he leans in toward him, cocking his head to the left as he gives his friend a slight glare with no real heat behind it. Hunk nods back at him, gaze growing a bit guilty as he rubs the back of his neck with one hand.

  “I know, I just slipped up when I saw him sitting in the common room looking so … blank. It was like what we would’ve seen if he actually went through with it,” Hunk mutters in a tone that’s laced with fear, shaking slightly as he glares at Lance’s wall like it’s Naxzela. He can see the bright orange and red flames swallowing the hull of Keith’s ship, the grey and black chunks that are the charred remains of Keith’s ship floating in space. And in the center of all of that, Keith with his face paler than usual and eyes that go from scared to blank, the life bleeding out of them as his body grows stiffer as he floats past them, just out of reach. None of that happened, but Hunk’s been able to picture it ever since Matt told them it could’ve.

  “I mean, not really. He would’ve been blown up,” Lance points out with a quick shrug, trying to keep his tone light even as Hunk can feel fear building in his gaze, how his hands grip his sheets a bit tighter. Hunk throws an arm around his shoulder and gives him a quick squeeze, smile small and knowing. “I know, I know, not the point. I tried to ask him if the Blade taught him anything new or if this was maybe like, fear related or something, but he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, Hunk. Whatever’s going on, Keith’s not ready to share with the class.”

  Hunk swallows next to him, nodding as his gaze grows a bit tighter. Hunk can feel the cogs turning in his head, scrunching his eyebrows together and tongue sticking out slightly. But no, he doesn’t have an answer here. He has no idea what’s going on with Keith, other than that he doesn’t like it at all. “So, what do we do?”

  “We either wait for him to explode and come to the rest of us, or we explode with curiosity and go ask him what’s up together. Whatever happens first,” Lance says as he shakes his head and joins Hunk in staring at his wall. Hunk gives a slight nod of agreement as he pulls Hunk closer to him. He has no idea what else they can do here. He just hopes it’s not too late when Keith finally lets himself be vulnerable with them.

* * *

  Keith is thrown when he realizes that Lance and Hunk don’t seem comfortable around him anymore, asking strange questions that don’t have anything to do with the Coalition or Voltron, or even personal stuff. Most of it is vague or about things that already happened and therefore don’t really matter, like Naxzela. Pidge is no better. Keith pushes them to the side a bit, spending more time with Allura and Shiro, though even they give him strange looks sometimes. Maybe they’re all just trying to figure out why he’s a better paladin now. Still, Keith doesn’t know how staring at him over food goo is going to help Lance get that any faster.

  “Lance, is something up? You’ve been staring at me for like ten minutes,” Keith asks as he finds Lance watching him again, fingers coming up to reflexively pat his cheek. he’s gotten thinner again. He thought he’d build more muscle with the Blade, but he hadn’t really been able to get enough protein. Maybe Lance is noticing that? But no, then he’d had mentioned it. Keith slides his fingers across his face, brushing against a mole here and there, trying to figure out what Lance is seeing. “Do I have something on my face?”

  “No. Keith, Lotor insulted Klaizap when he helped the Arusians last week. Said he wasn’t even that good of a fighter. Said he didn’t think his stories were interesting,” Lance tells him, voice rising with each word as he smirks over at Keith, like he thinks his words are going to get him something. Keith stares back at him blankly, not sure why that story made Lance stare at Keith so intently. Keith remembers Klaizap. They almost fought and used to send each other messages on occasion before Keith left for the Blade. Keith doesn’t remember what started that though. It doesn’t help the coalition or the mission at all. The Arusians aren’t useful allies.

  “He is a lot smaller than Lotor, I can see how that’s a disadvantage,” Keith says after a moment, taking a bite of his food goo as he meets Lance’s gaze with a clinical one of his own. Maybe Lance wants him to evaluate Lotor’s and Klaizap’s relationship? Keith’s not sure why Lance would go to him for that, but maybe he’ll be better at social stuff now that he doesn’t have any feelings clouding his judgment. “I liked his stories, but maybe Lotor doesn’t like learning about sharp, small things as much me.”

  “Was that a joke?” Hunk asks as he suddenly leans in from where he’s sitting next to Keith, smile wide in a way that looks like it probably hurts. His gaze is certainly pained and has another emotion Keith doesn’t understand. Across the table, Lance has the same look in his eyes, though his smile is a lot weaker than Hunk’s right now. Hunk rests a hand on his shoulder, leaning in, though he smile grows smaller with every passing moment of silence from Keith. “You know, because you’re a sharp, small thing?”

  “No, it wasn’t. Klaizap talked about knives a lot,” Keith answers him with another stiff shrug, turning back to his food goo even as Hunk still stares at him. Keith can tell he’s being watched by everyone now, but he doesn’t care even if he doesn’t get why. As long as his eyesight and hearing are in good condition for future Coalition stuff, nothing else really matters.

  “Oh, right,” Hunk mutters, voice dropping a bit as he turns back to his own plate and stabs his fork into the center of it. Keith wonders if he should tell him that’s not the right way to use a fork, but he figures Hunk knows better than him. He’s the chef. Next to him, Pidge gives him a tight look, frown harsh as she pokes him in the arm. Keith shrugs, because it’s not like it hurt. Nothing does.

 *****

  Keith walks down the hallways after dinner, not tired yet but not ready to go back to training either. He feels strange, like he’s too awake for his own good, head empty of anything except the things around him and this emptiness he can’t quite place. Usually he’d go read a book or draw, but most of the ships’ books have lost their charm. And Keith hasn’t been able to draw since he met the witch, no idea springing forth. He supposes some sacrifices had to be made for Voltron. That’s a small one.

  “Keith! Hunk and I need to talk to you,” Lance calls out to him, running toward him even though Keith’s already come to a full stop. Keith watches as they slow down, Lance slightly out of breath as he stares over at him, gaze determined and fiery, and the look makes Keith’s stomach twinge like when he was with Red. He needs to get out of this conversation before he gets sick. “Look, it’s great having you back on the team, but you know, when we asked you back, we wanted you back.”

  Keith cocks his head to the side, trying to understand what Lance is saying. Keith knows they needed him to fly Red, that she called for him. Or at least that’s what Lance claims, Keith’s always had his doubts that Red got that specific. It’s not like the two of them were together for that long, and Lance is a better fit for Red. He might not be as instinctive as Keith is, but he can be when he needs to be and he’s a lot better at controlling his emotions. Or he was, anyway. Keith guesses he has Lance beat there now. “Right, that’s why I’m here?”

  “But _are_ you?” Lance says as he lies a hand on Keith’s shoulder with a tight smile. Keith watches him blankly, because he has no idea what Lance is getting at. Next to Lance, Hunk elbows him slightly, gaze heavy as he stares over at Keith. “What I mean is, you’ve been distant lately. It feels like you’ve been kind of detached and avoided everyone.”

  “I’m a loner remember? You all used to tease me about it,” Keith reminds him as he takes another step back, voice even as he turns his gaze back and forth between the two men. Hunk frowns at that, gazing over at Keith with a look he doesn’t understand. Guilty and afraid, when as far as Keith knows, Hunk has no reason to feel either of those things. Lance just looks away, furrowing his brow and letting out a frustrated groan.

  “Right, no I know, but now it feels like you’re a loner in a different way,” Hunk explains in the same low voice as before, eyebrows sloping to the side as he stares over at Keith. Hunk’s words feel accusatory, a heat behind them that Keith doesn’t understand. How many ways were there to be a loner? Lance glares at him now, but there is a sadness in his gaze, a twist to the sigh he lets slip out of his mouth that Keith doesn’t get, because nothing is wrong, is it? They haven’t been called to form Voltron since he got back, but the two refugee events he went on with Red both went well. Keith doesn’t remember making a mistake.

  “Did I do something to jeopardize the mission?” Keith asks as his own gaze grows a bit tighter, something curling in the pit of his stomach he doesn’t understand. It feels hot and uncomfortable, and Keith swallows to try and keep it from coming up any further. He feels like he might throw up or – he’s not sure what else, except that it scares him.

  “What? No,” Lance tells him as he scrunches his face up, frown turning into a tight smile as he stares at Keith. Hunk’s expression softens a bit, grinning a little as he nods along to Lance’s words. “You did perfectly in Red.”

  “Then don’t worry about it and just focus on your mission,” Keith tells them as he gives them another serene smile. The feeling, the fire in his stomach is gone, replaced with the calming nothingness from before. Keith turns and walks on his heel, deciding he should get some more training in before he sleeps. Hunk and Lance don’t follow him, so Keith knows everything must be okay.

* * *

  Lance and Hunk aren’t okay with anything that just happened or how that conversation went down, Keith feeling further away now than when he was actually with the Blade of Marmora. They need to talk to someone with more experience than them, someone who knows Keith better than they do. They need to talk to Shiro. Lance knocks on Shiro’s door, though it just slides open a second later, revealing Shiro on his bed, back in his long-sleeved shirt. Shiro stares up at them from where he’s sitting, mission plans laid out on the sheet in perfect order. “Lance? Hunk? Was there something you needed?”

  “Yeah, it’s about Keith. Ever since he’s been back, he’s been … off. He’s way too calm and chill, and he’s not even brooding anymore,” Lance tells Shiro, doing his best to hold the other man’s gaze even as his voice shakes a little. Shiro raises an eyebrow, smirking a little in amusement as though there’s anything funny about this. Lance knows he’s not using the best choice of words here, but Shiro is Keith’s best friend, his mentor. He must have noticed that he’s not right too. “It’s weird, Shiro.”

  “I have to admit that I was surprised at first, but Keith has been training with the Blade for six weeks, and they prize controlling your emotions and remaining calm under pressure,” Shiro says in a comforting voice, firm and warm. None of it matches the way his gaze tightens a bit as he stares off at the wall. Lance thinks he’s more worried than he’s willing to admit to himself. “Those were both skills Keith needed and wanted to learn. I thought you two would be happy for him.”

  “We are!” Hunk cries, throwing his hands out as he widens his stance, shooting Shiro a pointed look that surprises Lance. But then, Hunk is the only one here whose never hero worshipped Shiro. maybe his cold glare has a better chance of getting through to him. “It just, don’t you think it happened kind of fast? Most people don’t change that much in a month and a half.”

  “They say it takes seven weeks to develop new habits, and Keith’s always been a fast learner,” Shiro answers him, some of the warmth going out of his voice as it becomes as tight as his gaze. Lance wonders if his own words sound ridiculous to him too, or if he’s still trying to convince himself that something didn’t go wrong somewhere. Lance looks away, remembering that if something is wrong with Keith, Shiro will blame himself. Him being the leader again is why Keith joined the Blade in the first place. This conversation was always going to be like this. “Look, I think all of us, Keith included, just need time to readjust to being on a team again. Keith is fine.”

  “Okay, Shiro, whatever you say,” Lance snaps as he moves toward the door, sending the other man a heated glare as his long fingers wrap around the doorknob. Shiro might not be ready to face whatever this, but Lance has the feeling he’s going to need him to be ready and fast if they’re going to keep this (and Keith) from blowing up in their faces.

 *****

  Lance wanders into the hangar, glancing over at Blue and giving her right leg a quick hug, some of his nerves calming as her purr reverberates throughout him. He missed her when he was with Red, never felt quite right with the other lion like he did with Blue. He’d been relieved when after Allura decided she needed to put her focus on the wormholes and the coalition, Blue had opened back up for him, quiet reassurances that Allura needed her nurturing to become the leader she is now just like Lance needed time in Red to better connect with all of his teammates, but that he’ll always be her paladin.

  He’s where he belongs. Now he just needs to make sure he can stay there.  

  “Red, my favorite fiery lady, I was wondering if I could talk to you about over favorite fiery boy,” Lance calls with a small smirk as he lets go of Blue and makes his way across from her in the hangar, wiggling his eyebrows up at Red as he leans against her leg. Red lets out a small grumble in his head at the same Blue makes a stricken mewl, and Lance blows her a quick kiss and sends her as many comforting vibes as he can. Blue is his main girl, his Lion, and he’s not going anywhere for as long as she’ll have him back. But that means keeping Keith in Red where he belongs too, and Lance gets the feeling he’s going to need some help with that. “I know I’m not your pilot anymore, but I need some advice here, Red.”

  _“Not Right.”_

  Lance takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second, because he thought this might happen. Red’s always been protective of Keith, and Lance is snooping around trying to find out why Keith’s been acting so weird the past few weeks. Red has a right to be defensive. “Okay, look, I get why you might feel bad about talking about Keith behind his back but -”

_“No, he’s not right.”_

  “That’s what I tried to tell Shiro! He’s acting like a zombie, right?” Lance shouts as he waves an arm in the air, exhilaration and relief filling him now that he knows Red is on his side. After a moment it passes, fear filling him as he takes in the implication of that. If Red knows that Keith is off, that means this isn’t just Keith trying to hide something from the rest of the team or him pulling away in a bizarre new way. Something is actually wrong with Keith, something deep. Lance isn’t sure how to help with that. Lance swallows, voice growing weaker as he looks up at Red and considers 100 different terrible options. “Oh my god, did Keith get turned into a space zombie like Zarkon?”

_“No. Fix him.”_

  Lance nods as he pats her leg, gaze growing steely with determination as he gazes out across the hangar. Lance doesn’t know how he’s going to do that, but he knows he’s going to help Keith get back to himself anyway he can. Lance just hopes there is a way, Red’s fearful growls echoing in the back of his mind.

 *****

  Everything finally comes to a head when they’re planning the next phase of their fight with the Galra. Keith has been unusually quiet during the meeting, not once agreeing or disagreeing with anything anyone said, not even when Lance gives a purposefully bad suggestion that had Allura stare at him in shock for a good minute before she decided he was joking. He doesn’t offer any ideas of his own, no quick thinking or lessons from the Blade or desire for justice, no determination to end things as soon as possible. All the things that made Keith _Keith_ are gone, and Lance can only hope he and Hunk aren’t the only ones noticing.

  “We should see to the refugees first, make sure they’re safe and take down any Galra spy routes,” Allura adds as she moves a few of the holograms across the battle plan he and Shiro created together, a new path forming under her fingertips. Lance watches with interest as Blue’s piece moves across from their carefully laid out battle plan alongside Red and Yellow, the three of them blocking off the enemy on one flank while Black, Green, and the Castle did on the other side. He can see how they detour will still put them in the right path to reach Olkari in time for the next war meeting with the coalition. He looks up at Keith, expecting to find the other boy focusing on the map. Keith isn’t even looking at it.

  “I thought Coran wanted to do another commercial again, so the coalition had new material to work with,” Keith points out as he glances over at them flatly, voice empty in a way that makes Lance pretty sure he doesn’t give a shit about the commercial. So, he has no idea why he’s bringing it up or how Keith of all people, rather than _him_ or Allura or Coran, is worried about skipping a media obligation. Out of the corner of his eye, Lance sees Shiro sit up a bit straighter, gaze locked onto Keith and growing a bit tighter as he takes in what Keith just said.

  “That’s right, my boy!” Coran cries with a bright smile, reaching an arm out to slap Keith on the back.  Then he stops, arm hanging in midair before slowly falling back to his side, as though he’s deflating as he realizes who just spoke. Coran frowns softly as he glances down at Keith. “But don’t you think that’s a waste of time? You didn’t even like the parades and this takes a lot longer.”

  “I want to do what everyone else wants to do,” Keith tells them without any inflection, and Lance swears he’ll punch something if Keith gives them that fucking soulless smile again. And so of course he fucking does, placid and lacking any life, hands resting at his side instead of crossed, like he doesn’t care about anything except making the rest of them comfortable. Not about them or the mission, not really.

  “Yeah, but Keith, if we do that commercial, we’re ignoring countless enemies we could be fighting, planets we could be freeing,” Lance snaps, voice rising on each word in a way that reminds him of Keith, beating his fist against the table. It does feel pretty good in the moment, Lance has to admit as he glares heatedly at the other boy, even as on the inside he’s begging for Keith to get riled up, to wake up and be horrified by his own words, to do anything besides just sit there and smile at them. Lance wants his friend back, not this empty shell who’s only good for piloting and fighting and smiling politely like a broken doll. Maybe if he can show Keith himself, let him remember, maybe that’s something. “We’d be ignoring the _greater good_ for the short term.”

  “If that’s what everyone wants, that’s fine with me,” Keith says coldly as he stares out across from them, gaze empty of any of the fire or light that used to draw Lance in, one way or another. Keith shrugs in a way that looks almost unnatural, smile fading as he stares over at them blankly. Lance watches Pidge cross her arms, gaze hurt and a little scared, Shiro wrapping an arm around her shoulder instinctively. “It wouldn’t be the first time the coalition came before the fight in the name of the mission.”

  Lance lets out a small gasp, because now he knows he failed and he has no idea what else to do here. His Keith, the Keith he knows, would never put a commercial over saving people’s lives or stopping the Galra in their tracks. Lance takes a step back, slumping into his chair as he watches Shiro let go of Pidge and walk around the table to stand next to Keith. Shiro frowns tightly as worry fills his gaze, one hand coming up to rest on Keith’s shoulder. Lance thinks he’s finally starting to get it. Shiro’s voice sounds scared when he speaks. “Keith, what’s going on?”


	3. Wake Up

  Hunk watches as Keith looks almost like he’s feeling something as Shiro stares at him, gaze soft and worried, mouth in a tight frown as he stares down at him. Keith tries to pull away from his grip, but Shiro only holds him more firmly. Hunk glances over at Lance, biting his lip as he takes a few steps toward the other two men.

  He and Lance we’re the ones who realized something was wrong with Keith in the first place, and Hunk knows that they need to be a part of making this better too. Hunk still isn’t sure how they’re going to do that, and he doesn’t even think Shiro knows, but he knows he wants to be close to Keith right now.

  “Look Keith we need answers – but we’re going to have to wait for them,” Shiro cuts himself off with a slight wince, gaze flickering over the blinking alarms. The warnings are blaring loud enough that Pidge winces a bit. Hunk can’t help noticing that Keith doesn’t. he used to, before. Hunk pushes the thought aside as he runs toward entryway to the lions. Hunk has to put worrying about Keith on hold, at least until they finish saving whoever they need to save. Hunk knows Keith – or at least the real Keith – would never forgive them for that. “Allura, where is the distress signal coming from?”

  “Close and it’s our Arusian force, you need to get there and quickly,” Allura tells them in a firm voice, ringing out across the castle. Hunk is already in his armor luckily, so sliding down into yellow takes a matter of seconds. He watches Red fly out and can’t help but notice that she’s moving a bit more slowly than usual, like she’s waiting for the rest of them. Hunk doesn’t think he likes that. “Everyone to their lions. Everything else can wait until later.”

  “Right,” Shiro calls out them across the comms, voice warm and reassuring. They fly several miles out, seeing a large trail of mines laid out, the Arusians on the other side with a space snake. None of this is looking great. Hunk swallows a bit as he tries to figure out how they’re gonna pull this out without someone getting hurt. “Keith I’m going to need you to fly through that minefield and hit the switch at the end, just like with the asteroids a few months ago. I know you can do it buddy.”

  “All right,” Keith answers without any emotion, no excitement to do cool tricks or even any fear. Hunk doesn’t like that. He used to worry about Keith jumping out of the back of Lions and stuff like that, but Hunk realizes he prefers that to this blankness. Keith darts through the mines, but Hunk can’t help but notice he’s going more slowly than usual, almost bumping into the explosives. Hunk’s hands tighten on Yellow’s controls, her soft purrs for once doing nothing to calm him. This is bad.

  “Really because I’m not so sure,” Lance calls from where he’s in Blue, and Hunk gets him. He flies close but not quite into the minefield, knuckles turning white every time Keith nearly dies. Hunk guesses this is how Matt felt during Naxzela, except for way too long. Eventually, after several minutes when it should’ve taken him seconds, Keith gets to the end of the field and switches off the mines.

  “That was a close one. We need to form Voltron, Shiro,” Hunk calls out even as he lets out a heavy sigh of relief. The Arusians have slipped through back to the other side of the mines, heading for one of the Coalition’s outposts. The battle’s won, but there’s still a giant space snake flying toward them and letting out loud screams. Yellow cries in his mind and Hunk can’t help but agree. Hunk easily glides Yellow into position, all of them flying toward one another and then … nothing happens. Not like when they were going after Lotor, where they didn’t know how to trust the team dynamic. No, this time it feels like part of the bond is literally just not there. It’s bad. “Guys, it’s. it’s not happening. That Voltron feeling’s gone again.”

  “Okay, new plan, Pidge go with me to the right, Lance and Hunk and Keith head right, that way we can buy some time until Allura can create a wormhole,” Shiro calls out, voice tense and a hint of fear behind it as Hunk watches the Black Lion swoop out of view. Hunk flies off to the left and scrunches his eyebrows together, hearing the sound of the snake’s screams following him as Blue darts out in front. He can just make out Red from the corner of his eye. He’s not going fast enough.

  “Whatever you say, Shiro,” Keith calls out in a listless voice, Red moving more slowly than usual toward him and Blue even now that Keith’s actually engaging with them. Hunk is ready to scream when the wormhole opens up around them, snake vanishing as they shift across the galaxy. Turns out they need to figure out what’s wrong with Keith before anything else after all.

 *****

  Hunk can tell that things are tense when he gets back on the ship, everyone silent as they walk into the common room. Allura shoots all of them a pained look, gaze heavy with a mixture of concern and frustration as she paces across the room. Losing Voltron again won’t be popular with the Coalition. Hunk knows that. But they don’t have to lose it, right? This is fixable, they have five paladins, six even since Allura can fly Blue if needed, though losing the wormholes or her time for training her magic to beat Zarkon’s witch wouldn’t be like, ideal.

  “What the hell happened out there? We almost all got killed because the Lions decided to revolt,” Pidge snaps as she takes off her gloves, slamming the right one on the table before doing the same with the left. Hunk winces a bit, eyes sliding to the floor even though he knows Pidge is just saying what they’re all thinking. Pidge places a hand on her hip and glares over at Allura, though Hunk can’t help noticing the way her gaze keeps jerking towards Keith.

  “As intelligent as they are, the Lions don’t make decisions like that on their own. You all know that,” Allura reminds her in a clipped voice, eyebrows scrunching together as she peers out over them. Allura’s gaze finally lands on Keith, who isn’t making any expression. He doesn’t seem worried about Voltron breaking at all. Hunk’s got to think that might be part of the problem. “Whatever happened has to do with all of your connection with one another, as a team.”

  “What? That makes no sense! We’re back in the right order and everyone’s even the same color as their suit, so we don’t clash anymore,” Hunk points out, gesturing over at Lance, Keith, and Shiro. As much as Hunk knows that Keith is acting differently, he still feels like things should be back to normal. Shiro is the team leader again, Lance is back in blue where he can be nurturing and loyal, and Keith is back in Red where he belongs, even if he isn’t really acting like it anymore. Hunk kind of figured that Red would help Keith get back to himself, but it didn’t really happen.

  “It’s probably me,” Keith says flatly, meeting Allura’s gaze with an empty one of his own. Hunk gaze shoots over to him, giving Keith a small, hopeful smile, because maybe this means Keith is starting to realize that something is wrong with him. Maybe they’re making some progress after all.

  “Not everything has to be about you, Keith,” Lance mutters as he jabs Keith on the shoulder, but his voice is too weak for anyone to really think he means it. Hunk knows Lance is just trying to rile him up, get any kind of reaction out of Keith. But nothing happens, Keith not even moving as he stares at Lance blankly. So much for Red helping Keith find himself. “But why do you think it’s about you?”

  “I’m the change. You all improved in your new roles and with Allura on the team and outgrew me in terms of bonds. It makes sense. I can go back to the Blade tomorrow,” Keith tells them with another mechanical shrug, before he turns around on one heel and walks out of the room. Hunk glances at everyone else, but no one follows him. After a moment, Hunk decides not to either, slumping onto the couch and pressing a hand over his face as he tries to keep from groaning in frustration. So much for things being anywhere close to normal or better. Keith’s gonna leave as soon as they got him back.

* * *

  Keith sits on his bed, filing through the training manuals Kolivan gave him as a goodbye present when he left the Blade a few weeks ago. Keith figures he’ll want it back when Keith gets back, so he should try and memorize it now. Knowing the most he can about fighting will help him serve the mission better.

  Besides, once he’s back with the Blade, this guide will be his life. He won’t have to worry about connecting with Voltron or what makes them comfortable, just on what helps the Blade to move forward. Keith thinks that will be better, he doesn’t understand anyone here anymore. They all seem so frustrated all the time, even when Keith gives them easy answers to all of their questions.

_“Come see me.”_

  “We’re not in the middle of a mission, Red, there’s no reason for me to see you,” Keith informs her as he flips to the next page of his book, eyes scanning over the words carefully. Red growls loudly in the back of his mind, and he can sense her rage and fear, but he can’t feel it like he used to, doesn’t feel any connection with her even though he knows it’s still there. Keith brushes his hand across the page, seeing a few drops of blood hit the white. Keith guesses he has a papercut. “Don’t growl at me, it’s a waste of energy.”

_“You’re afraid to see me.”_

  “We both know I’m not afraid, Red. That’s not something I get anymore, remember?” Keith reminds her in a flat voice, as he thumbs an image of a young blade with a tail. It looks a little like Regris. Keith can still sense Red but she’s not growling anymore. Keith turns the page onto a section about other uses for the Blade, and sets the book aside, because none of those serve the mission. Keith wonders why Kolivan even bothered including them. “What, gonna give me the silent treatment?”

_“Know what you’re feeling more than you.”_

  “Yeah, I guess that’s right, since you can still connect to them and I can’t, but that’s how it is now,” Keith tells her, ignoring the soft rumbles in the back of his mind. Keith can’t understand them and it’s not really his concern. In a few hours he’ll be gone and Red will be back with Lance, and everything will be okay. Keith is okay.

 *****

  “What’s everyone doing in here? You look worried,” Keith calls as he walks into the common room with his bag over his shoulder, glancing around at all of the other paladins and Coran. Keith only came in to watch for the Blade ship he asked Coran to call for him a few hours ago. Maybe the others want to see him off again? Keith doesn’t know why though, they know he’s leaving this time, and he doesn’t want another group hug. He knows it meant a lot to him last time, but now the idea of everyone grabbing him like that “I thought the convoy to the Blade would’ve been here by now.”

  “The Blade isn’t coming, Keith,” Shiro tells him as he takes a step toward him, gaze hesitant and soft like he’s afraid of Keith. No, Keith thinks as he watches Shiro reach out toward him like he’s fragile, afraid for Keith. But that doesn’t make any sense. Keith got rid of all the things that made him weak. He’s fine now.

  Keith nods for a moment, expression still blank as he waits for Shiro to explain what’s holding them up. But Shiro doesn’t say anything, he just keeps staring at Keith with those same sad eyes. All right then. “Oh. Why not?”

  Because we decided not to invite them, because no one here wants you to leave, we just want to know why you completely changed your entire personality out of nowhere,” Lance cries from where he’s standing next to Hunk, dramatically throwing his hands up like he wants to punch the air. Keith turns his gaze to Lance, hair falling across his face and brushing over his nose. He wonders idly if that used to bother him, back when he had emotions. A lot of things did. maybe Lance is forgetting that and that’s why he’s worried. Maybe that’s what kept them from forming Voltron, everyone thinking something’s wrong when it isn’t.

  “What difference does it make?” Keith asks as he cocks his head to the left slightly. Lance’s eyes widen and then his gaze drops to the floor as he furrows his brow. Keith guesses Lance is considering his question and coming up short on answers. Maybe that will Keith an ally in helping everyone else realize that they’re worried for no reason. Keith is better now.

  “It makes a difference because you’re our friend and we’re concerned for you,” Shiro answers in a strangled voice, one hand coming to rest on his shoulder. Keith’s eyes flicker over to it, wondering what Shiro is getting at here. Normally he does only does that when Keith is upset, and Keith’ll never be upset again. Shiro swallows deeply, gaze growing tighter as he stares at him. He can see the others moving closer to him from the corner of his eye, surrounding him. Maybe they are all going to hug him again. “Keith, you know you can tell us if something’s wrong, right?”

  “But nothing is wrong,” Keith says as he watches Shiro’s hand slide back to his side, his shoulder strangely cold now. He doesn’t know why, doesn’t understand the phantom sensations that run through him for a second. But Keith feels like they can’t be a good thing. Not when they remind him of before.

  “Then why are you acting like this? Why did you go from you to this weird, empty shell?” Hunk cries as he takes a few steps toward him and then stops, closing his eyes like he regrets what he just said. Keith doesn’t understand why, it’s pretty dead on for what he did. A shell makes a better soldier than person. That’s why they put them in guns. Hunk’s gaze grows softer as he comes to stand next to Keith, filling in the space Shiro just left. Keith cocks his head to the right, wondering what Hunk is getting at here. “What happened to you Keith?”

  “I made a decision for the good of the mission, I won’t apologize for that,” Keith explains, trying to get his voice to be firm, but he can’t. He guesses that’s one of the downsides of having no emotions. He doesn’t really get why this choice was right anymore, just that it is.

  Everyone stills, the air in the room growing thicker as he watches the others exchange tight looks. Allura is clenching the back of the chair tightly, gaze narrowing as she watches him. Pidge has her arms crossed and Lance looks like he’s holding a breath. Next to him, Hunk’s gaze is determined. Shiro, though, throws Keith the most, voice shaking as he speaks. “What did you do?”

  “I met a witch, like Zarkon’s and she offered to seal away my emotions and my instincts, so I wouldn’t be a liability anymore,” Keith answers them, giving them one of his fake smiles, because he knows that this time, they’re going to get what happened. Except instead of understanding nods, Shiro takes a step away from, eyes widening slowly and Pidge lets out a guttural sound that reminds Keith of something dying. He doesn’t think they understood after all.

* * *

  Lance can feel the air go out of him, feeling like he’s been punched in the gut as he stares at Keith with wide eyes. Keith isn’t sick or being affected by quintessence or any of the other theories Lance has bounced off of Blue and Red in the hangar. No, Keith did this to himself. No, no. Lance refuses to believe that Keith would do that, that he’d sell his soul for … what? To protect them? To protect himself? None of this makes any sense. “What the fuck are you talking about Keith? Is this some kind of a joke?”

  “No, she sealed away my emotions, but not in a way that affects my connection with Red, so it shouldn’t be what affected Voltron yesterday,” Keith says in the same calm voice as before, as though that’s what anyone is worried about right now (though Lance knows the real Keith would’ve been). Lance takes a few deep breaths, trying to get his rage under control. Yelling at Keith isn’t going to help right now, and it’s not like Keith will react to it anyway. Next to Keith, Hunk is crying a little, tears building in the corner of his eyes as he stares at Keith like he’s already gone. Lance wonders if he is and tries to push the thought away. They’re not too late.

  “Voltron is all of us Keith, no just you and Red,” Pidge reminds him a watery voice, gaze growing more and more stricken as she lunges forward past Coran. Shiro reaches out to her and then stops, frowning tightly as his gaze lands back on Keith. Pidge is shaking now, small arms flying in the air as her voice rises with each word as she glares over at Keith. “Now, what do you mean? Have you not been feeling anything since you got back from the Blade?”

  “No, like I said, all of my impulses and emotions are gone now,” Keith tells them as he smiles over at them, like he’s not telling them they’ve basically been living with Keith’s corpse for the past two weeks. Lance is pretty sure he’s shaking now too, glancing down at his hands to find them trembling. “This way my emotions and impulsive actions can’t hurt the team or the Blade anymore.

  “What were the coordinates for the planet?” Shiro snaps suddenly, moving past all of them and towards the computers in the back of the room with a look of fury Lance has never seen on him before. It reminds him a little of Keith, Shiro’s eyes wild as he starts typing away before he gets the answer, trying to track Keith’s path here, every motion too fast by half. He’s scared, Lance realizes, and that thought makes his stomach turn. Shiro doesn’t get scared.

  “Shiro?” Keith asks as he cocks his head to the right this time, blinking once. Lance hasn’t seen him blink much since he got back from the Blade, and he decides to take this moment as a good sign and not just Keith’s eyes being dry. He needs something to hold onto here, and Keith isn’t giving him a lot with the way he’s staring at Shiro with no shift in expression, like he doesn’t even care that he hurt him.

  “Tell me the fucking coordinates so we can go back and undo this, Keith!” Shiro shouts, one hand slamming down onto the controls, looking near tears as Coran races to his side. The computer makes a sound that’s not half as terrifying as the guttural noise Shiro makes as Coran leads him out of the room, one hand firmly on his back as he glances back at them with a tight smile. Then the door closes as Keith takes a step toward it, expression still blank. Fuck ghost Keith.

  Lance can’t believe they already lost Shiro. Shiro guesses in some ways this is harder for him, even if he is the only full adult here besides Coran. He’s still not that old, and Keith is his mentee, his younger brother, and Shiro has already been through so much out here, more than any of them in a lot of ways. Not losing Keith might’ve been all he had left. Keith stares blankly at the space where Shiro was a moment ago, as though he expects Shiro to come running back in any moment. Then he turns around, back towards them, dead eyes focusing in on him. “Why are you so upset?”

  “Not for any reasons you can probably understand right now,” Lance snaps at the question, and then he takes a deep breath as he clenches his hands into his fists for a second. That isn’t going to help right now. He knows that. Lance needs to stay calm if he’s going to get Keith to work with him enough to find Keith, especially since he doesn’t seem worried about his terrible life choices. Though, Lance guesses he can’t be. Lucky Keith. “Before we go sailing through space into enemy waters, is there a way to reverse this, Keith?”

  “Why would you want to reverse it?” Keith asks as he glances across all of them again, mouth in a straight line as he takes a step back from them. Pidge is crying now, tears sliding down her cheeks as she takes a few deep breaths. Next to her, Allura has gone rigid, gaze hurt and anxious, and he wonders if she’s blaming herself a little too, even though he knows logically this isn’t anyone’s fault. Not really. This goes a lot deeper than them. “I don’t understand why you’re all so upset, I made a decision for the good of the team. That’s what you all wanted me to do.”

  “Please just answer the question, Keith,” Lance calls out at him, voice tight as he hopes that gets him what he needs. This Keith might not feel anything, but Lance has noticed he seems to answer anything if they ask it directly enough. Lance supposes there’s no reason to hide anything if there’s no fear of being found out.

  “You have to want back the things I traded away,” Keith answers him after a moment, voice empty. Lance feels his stomach drop, because that can’t be it. if it was, Keith would’ve been better by now. All of them want the real Keith back. Don’t they?

* * *

  Hunk blinks owlishly, shaking his head as he stares over at Keith, because that creates more questions than it answers. They’ve all spent the past hour telling Keith they don’t get this empty Keith, and he and Lance have been worried about it for days. Hunk frowns, trying to figure out what they’re missing to get Keith back to himself. Are there elements to this curse that maybe Keith hasn’t explained? Conditions they need to meet? Some kind of magic sword they need to get from a princess?

  “Okay, I’m not sure why you’re still a talking mannequin then, since I feel like we’ve all made it pretty clear that this isn’t working for us,” Lance yells as he walks toward Keith, filling in the space that Keith tried to create between them. Hunk takes a few steps closer to, so he’s on the other side of Keith. Hunk feels like they’re a minute away from just pulling Keith into a tight hug, and he wonders if that would be better or maybe the thing that would be the thing that brought Keith back to himself. After all, Hunk’s hugs are only for his Keith, not this Keith.

  “I don’t understand why you’re upset, I did this for the team and for the mission. I tried to learn how to control my emotions and be less impulsive and more of a leader on my own, but I couldn’t do it. I just made the same mistakes,” Keith explains without any emotion and a blank stare, as though he’s talking about someone else. Hunk shakes his head, because that isn’t how things went down on Voltron. But it is how Keith thinks things happened, and Hunk guesses that’s what matters right now. “So I made it so I couldn’t make them anymore.”

  “That’s now how people work, Keith!” Hunk yells before he can stop himself, surprised at the anger in his own voice. But he is mad, because Hunk doesn’t get why Keith is holding himself to standards that no one else is holding him to, that as far as Hunk can tell Keith isn’t holding any of them too. Does Keith really think he matters less or that he needs to change, or that the good things he’s done just don’t count? Hunk can feel himself glowering, feel his heart pounding in his chest as he tries not to cry. This is too much.

  Keith shrugs a bit, stiff and almost unreal as he cocks his head to the right again. It’s like his body is trying to imitate how a person might move. “What difference does that make?”

  “I – look, okay, we can fix this, we can,” Lance says in a tight voice, as though he’s trying to convince himself as much as the rest of them. Hunk gets it, he feels pretty lost too. He tries to nod along, tries to make his expression as determined as Lance’s voice even though he can feel his anxiety fraying at the edges, feel his heart. Lance takes a step toward Keith, gaze softening a bit as he reaches a hand toward him, only to pull it back at the last minute. “So you made an impulsive decision because you felt about yourself. It happens.”

  “It can’t anymore,” Keith answers him and this time he does give them one of those placid smiles, and for a second Keith almost looks amused with himself. But then the flicker of light dies as quickly as it came, and Hunk’s not even sure it was real and not just a trick of the light.

  “No, I guess it can’t,” Hunk says softly as he turns his gaze away from Keith for a moment, because that’s the crux of all of this, isn’t it? That Keith decided being himself wasn’t worth it. That being an empty shell was better than being Keith. Hunk has no idea how to fix that. Even if they break this curse, they’re going to have to deal with how little Keith thinks of himself. He wonders if they have therapists in space. They’ve never checked, even though they probably should have a while ago.

  “What do we know about Druid magic, Allura? Can we fix this curse even if we can’t break it?” Pidge asks as she turns away from Keith, the tears from earlier fading as she starts to move toward the door. Hunk gives her a small smile from where he’s crowding Keith with Lance, because he knows she probably needs to leave. Pidge is only a kid, and this is already too stressful for him, let alone her.

  Allura nods quickly as she takes a few steps toward Pidge, glancing back at Keith as she narrows her gaze in concern. Hunk watches as Lance gives her a quick nod, and Hunk joins in, because someone needs to help Pidge and make sure Shiro and Coran are holding up okay. Hunk knows he and Lance will need some support later (and none of this is even getting to Keith), but for right now they can handle Keith. Have to be able to. “That is difficult to say, I would need to do more research. Do you care to join me and Coran, in case that back up ends up becoming a necessity?”

  “Sure, I could use some space,” Pidge answers her, voice tight as she grabs a wrench from Hunk’s work desk. She follows Allura to the door, glancing back at the three of them. her glasses are misty from how much she’s been crying, and Hunk bites his lip at the sight. “Tell me when he’s Keith again.”

  Keith turns his empty gaze toward her, and Hunk swears he almost hears something in Keith’s voice when he calls out to her, words only reaching a door that’s already shut. “I’m still Keith, just a better version of him.”

  “Says who?” Lance mutters in a tight voice, one hand coming to rest on his hip as he shoots Keith a heated glare. _Says_. Hunk’s eyes widen because he thinks he might have the answer. Well, technically Lance has the answer, but he doesn’t know that yet. Hunk grabs Lance’s arm, pulling him to the side as he tries to get out of Keith’s range of hearing. Well, more like his range of listening, which has thankfully shrunk with his emotions. Otherwise, Hunk’s plan wouldn’t go well. Lance raises an eyebrow at him, laying one hand over Hunk’s on his shoulder.

  “Lance, it’s not that we need to just want him to go back to normal, we need to tell him why we want him to go back to normal,” Hunk says as he grips his shoulder even more tightly, narrowing his gaze as he flicks his eyes to Keith and then back to Lance. Lance blinks a little, glancing over at Keith and then back to Hunk, pushing his eyebrows together as his frown grows more confused. “To break the curse, I mean.”

  “So what, we just have to compliment him back into having a personality?”  Lance asks as he raises an eyebrow, a hint of disbelief in his voice. Hunk nods enthusiastically, more than he actually feels, smiling brightly for a moment. They don’t exactly have a lot of options left outside of whatever science Pidge is doing or finding that witch, and Hunk figures she probably already moved if she’s anti-empire. But this, this could work. And even if it doesn’t, well, Keith still deserves to hear those things about himself. “Well, I guess we can give it a shot.”

  “Keith, look, you’re a good person,” Hunk says without preamble as he turns around, meeting Keith’s empty gaze from across the room. He marches toward him as he speaks, voice as soft and warm as he can make it. “I mean, the actual you, not this you. He isn’t anything, no offense. But you’re protective of everyone and hard-working and you make goofy jokes sometimes and they make me laugh even if you don’t think you’re funny, and you’re brave in a way that makes me feel safer when I’m with you, even when things get bad.”

  “I wasn’t any of those things,” Keith answers him, but there’s a catch in his voice, a hint of fear that propels Hunk to take another step forward. Hunk thinks he might be getting through to him, past the curse. Keith bites his lip, just for a second, and Hunk wants to cry all over again.

  “Yes, you were! You were the most stubborn person I’d ever met!” Lance snaps as he comes to stand on the other side of Keith, gaze watery as he stares over at Keith. Then Lance closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, gaze tender and voice almost sheepish this time. “I’m not doing this right, let me start over. You’re determined and passionate, you care so much about doing what you think is right and about your friends, even if sometimes you’re afraid to let us see it. You’re awkward, but in a nice way, it’s cute. And sure, you’re impulsive, but you’re also quick-thinking and have good instincts, and you, we need you Keith.

  “No, you don’t,” Keith mutters in a low voice, gaze dropping to the floor so they can’t see it for a moment. He’s starting to tremble as they reach either side of him, arms coming up to wrap around his chest protectively. When Keith finally looks up at him, his eyes are full of fear and guilt, wild and overwhelming. It’s the most beautiful thing Hunk’s seen in a long time.

* * *

  Keith knows this is wrong. He’s not supposed to have feelings anymore. They weren’t supposed to miss the ones he did have. None of this is – Keith shakes his head again, once, twice, trying to stumble away from them as his breath starts to come out in small pants. Hunk catches him though, strong arms holding him firm as Lance wraps an arm around his shoulder. It’s too much, they’re too close and Keith doesn’t deserve them, any of them, not when he’s so selfish and terrible and makes bad choices all the time and -

  “Yes, we do, we need you so much,” Hunk tells him a tight voice, the hands holding him up growing tighter as Hunk meets his gaze. His eyes are so sure, so determined and Keith can feel himself shaking even more as he tries to pull away. But there’s nowhere to go. Keith can’t hide from them or what he did or any of this. And now that they see how weak he is, how much he failed, they’re not going to want him anymore. Red won’t want him.

  Keith shakes his head back and forth, bangs falling across his face as Red’s growls spread across the back of his mind, angry but protective at the same time, filling Keith with just enough of a sense of calm to keep from collapsing to the ground. He feels like every flicker of anxiety, every fear, every ounce of guilt is brand new. “Red needed a paladin, you don’t need -”

  “Red needed and wanted you. So do we, everything we just said is true, Keith,” Lance tells him as he looks at him with a watery gaze, his hand coming up to grip Keith’s other shoulder. On the other side of him, Hunk pulls him more into a sort of half hug, arm brushing against Lance’s shoulder as the two of them huddle around him like they think he might disappear. Keith guesses that’s fair. “No one ever wanted you to be anyone but yourself.”

  “But I’m not, I’m not a good person, I’m – fuck,” Keith cuts himself off, tears sliding down his face as everything hits him a new all over again. He just wanted everyone to be safer and to be a better paladin and to just. Stop hurting people and he just hurt everyone more. Keith bites his lips, running his hands over his thumbs over and over again to try and get the tears to stop. “Shiro and Pidge and All- “

  “We’ll tell them you’re back to you after we get you back to your room, okay, I feel like the less people around, the better,” Hunk throws out as he pulls Keith a bit closer to him for a second, a few tears falling down his own face as he looks at him. That makes Keith shudder some more, not even Red’s purring in the back of his mind enough to keep him from shutting down.

  “Okay,” Keith murmurs in a small voice, not trusting himself to say anything else as they start the long walk from the common room to his bedroom. He’s just grateful no one else sees him with tears streaming down his face.

 *****

  Keith comes back to himself slowly, not sure how much time has passed when the tears and then the shutdown ends.  Keith crosses his arms tightly as he shoots a wild glare at Lance, the reality of the last few hours and weeks hitting him now that he’s not quite as overwhelmed. Fuck. Everything’s ruined. Keith swallows a few times, gaze sliding between Lance and Hunk because he’s not sure who he should like at or if one’s better than the other. Both of them, they did something and now all of his emotions are racing through him again, maybe even worse than before. “What did you guys do?”

  “We broke the curse you apparently got on _purpose_ ,” Lance answers him in a heated voice, gaze tight as he gives Keith a look that makes Keith pull in on himself, slumping a bit against his bed. It sounds bad when Lance says it like that, makes it sound like he made some impulsive mistake, and well. It was impulsive, but Keith still isn’t sure about the mistake part. Lance’s glare fades away into something softer, a tiny smile that doesn’t reach his eyes on his face. “Are you sure it was on purpose and that thinking it was wasn’t just part of the curse?”

  “Yes, it was my choice,” Keith admits as he meets Lance’s gaze, feeling the tears building again. Apparently getting rid of your emotions made it harder to keep up walls when they all came back at once. Keith takes a deep breath, shaking a bit as he forces himself to speak, even though he feels like no matter what he says, it’s only going to make things worse. “You made a mistake. Breaking it, I mean.”

  Lance widens his eyes, taking a few steps forward and throwing a hand out, one finger almost hitting him in the middle of his chest. Hunk starts walking toward him as well, expression furious in a way Keith has never seen on him before, eyes lit up and mouth twisted into an almost snarl. Both of those looks combined remind Keith of Shiro’s (well, a hologram of him) face at the Blade, and he can’t stop himself from curling in more on himself. “Shut. Up.”

_“Listen to Blue’s cub and Yellow’s cub.”_

  “I just – I need to be good for the team and for the mission and I – I don’t want to be me anymore!” Keith cries before he can stop himself, words spilling out and sounding crazed even to his own ears. He blames Red, her words and her grumbles growing louder and louder now that his walls are temporarily (Keith hopes to God) demolished.

  “Hey, hey, It’s … it’s what happened, and we’re going to figure this out, Keith,” Hunk mutters as the anger goes out of his face, sliding onto the bed next to Keith. He wraps an arm around his shoulder, breathing steadily as he meets Keith’s gaze. oh, he’s trying to help Keith calm down, but Keith can’t be calm, not yet, not when they don’t understand and he’s not even sure he understands anymore. Everything just feels wrong and Keith knows it’s his fault that it does.

  Keith shakes his head, wiping at his eyes furiously and trying to get the tears off of his face. He can’t stop crying either, hot tears mixing with the heat of his flushed cheeks and the one rising in his stomach. He needs to get out of here. “No, I can’t – I ruin everything -”

  “Keith! Nothing is ruined, okay, you’re here and we’re here and so is the rest of the team and Red,” Lance tells him as he sits down on the other side of him, so he’s surrounded again, just like they did in the common room. This time, when they both start breathing steadily, Keith follows their pattern, some of the panic he was feeling before fading away as he feels the two of them around him but not quite touching him. He feels safer like this than he did before. “We’re going to figure this out together. Right now I think you need to rest.”

  “Okay,” Keith mumbles as the fight goes out of him, because Keith isn’t sure what he’s fighting for anymore. Keith knows everyone was upset when he didn’t have feelings or instincts, he can’t really process that, but he wouldn’t have them back if they weren’t. they don’t want that Keith. But … Keith still isn’t sure that Keith isn’t better for the bigger picture. He can’t tell anymore. He feels so lost.

  “I’m going to get you some food and talk to the others about what’s happening, and Lance is … he’s going to stay here with you, in case you need anything,” Hunk says as he meets Lance’s gaze over Keith’s head. Keith looks down as he bites his lip, because he doesn’t want to know what faces they’re making. He can feel the pity in the air, the worry, and all of it makes his stomach churn with shame. In trying not to be a burden, Keith became more of one than ever, too overwhelmed with his emotions and instincts and with failing everyone to even be around the team to help the coalition. Great fucking job, Keith.

  “You guys don’t need to be so nice to me,” Keith adds after a minute, voice weak to his own ears as he feels the exhaustion overtaking him. He knows he doesn’t deserve this or them. Keith hasn’t earned this care yet, this warmth and protectiveness no one has showed him since he was eight. Keith doesn’t understand what the others see in him right now, saw during that group hug, that no one else ever did. Keith isn’t someone worthy of love, why don’t they get that?

  “Someone needs to be,” Lance murmurs softly as he pulls Keith closer to him for a second, brushing a hand over his hair and smoothing it down a little. Keith falls asleep to the motion, Lance’s words making his chest tighten, but not in a bad way this time.

  He’s not okay. Keith knows that this time. Now he just has to figure out what that means.


	4. Learning to Breathe

   Lance and Hunk go back to Keith’s room that morning around 8 AM (well, what the team decided to call 8 AM), after each paladin took a turn playing watch outside his door. They don’t knock when they burst in either, too afraid they maybe missed him sneaking out through a vent or something. It was probably a bit paranoid, Lance knows that, but he’s also terrified he’ll wake up to find out Keith went back to that witch or something. And Lance isn’t about to lose his friend to a curse, willingly gotten or not, ever again. Not if he can stop it.

  But then, he guesses that’s more up to the boy sitting on the bed, hands clasped tightly around his knife. Lance and Hunk can’t make him love himself.

 "Keith, how are you doing?" Lance asks as he sits down on the edge of his bed, glancing over at the other boy with a slight smile. Keith looks up at him with a grimace, biting his lip a bit as he looks between the two of them. Keith seems out of it, but in a good way. Well. Not good, but he looks confused instead of empty, and Lance’ll take what he can get. "Going by your face, I'm guessing … you're more here than yesterday."

  "Yeah," Keith mutters softly, not looking up from his hands as he buries them more deeply into a comforter. He swallows, gaze dropping to his hands as Lance slides onto the bed next to him.

  "Okay, that's good, right? Keith's back and not like a mannequin anymore, right? Or - it's just good you're here," Hunk rambles as he leans more against the wall, pressing his hand against the wall so his palms are spread out flat against it. Lance gives Hunk a thin smile as he glances over at his friend. "Is there anything you need right now or want to do?"

  "I … wanna see Shiro," Keith tells them in a small voice, finally looking up at them with a slight wince, though there's a determined glint to his gaze as well. He looks like the Keith who saved Shiro all those times, who flew Red through an asteroid field. It's been too long since Lance has seen that Keith, since before he tried to sell his emotions. Lance thinks he disappeared when Shiro did.

  Lance takes a deep breath, eyebrows pressing together as he stares over at Keith silently. Hunk doesn't say anything for a moment, he just wrings his hands out. Then Hunk finally asks what Lance is thinking. "Are you sure?"

  "Yeah, he should be here for this too, maybe Pidge and Allura too actually," Keith says with a quick nod, though his voice grows a bit more strained the more people he mentions. Lance has the feeling that Keith will get overwhelmed if he has to apologize - does Keith need to apologize? Lance isn't sure - to everyone at once, or even just see and understand how scared they all were. God knows Lance would be.

  "I think one person at a time might be better, I'll message Shiro, okay? And then we can figure … this out," Lance offers as his smile grows a bit tighter, because he doesn't want to do anything that undoes the progress they've made so far. Next to him, Hunk gives a nod that's a little too enthusiastic as he catches Keith's gaze.

  "Okay," Keith agrees after a beat, looking between them as he bites his lip. Okay then. Lance takes a deep breath and sends Shiro a message over their comm, closing his eyes and saying a silent prayer this goes well. Lance isn't surprised when Shiro is at the door in seconds. He wouldn't be surprised if he's been standing outside it all night.  

  "Keith," Shiro calls as he walks into the room, taking a few steps forward but stopping before he gets to Keith's side. He almost looks afraid to touch him.

  "I'm sorry," Keith says as he looks up at Shiro, face scrunching up as he shakes his head a little. Shiro takes a deep breath, expression growing pinched as he stares down at Keith. "I never would've gotten the curse if I thought it'd affect Voltron. The witch said it wouldn't affect my bond with Red, so I figured -"

  "That's not why I'm upset, Keith," Shiro snaps, voice harsher than Lance has ever heard it before. Keith shrinks under his gaze, shoulders slumping and gaze dropping to the floor. Suddenly Lance thinks he knows one of the reasons Keith did this. "It's a part of it, but Keith what scared me, what still scares me, is the idea that you thought you'd be better if you weren't you."

  "I wasn't not me, I was me without my feelings getting in the way," Keith says, voice rising slightly as he crosses his arms against his chest.

  "Your feelings are a part of you," Shiro tells him in a soft voice as he bridges the gap between them, reaching a hand out toward Keith's shoulder. Lance moves a little closer to Keith, so their shoulders brush. Lance feels protective of him right now, which is weird since he normally only feels that way toward Pidge or Hunk.

  "Not a good part of me," Keith murmurs as his gaze drops back down to his red sheets. Shiro swallows, gaze growing tighter. Lance presses his lips in a thin line as he glances over at Keith. Not a good part his ass.  

  "Yeah, that's definitely part of the issue here," Lance mutters with an eye roll, not able to keep the frustration out of his voice. Across the room Hunk shoots him a quick glare, and okay, Lance knows he's maybe being a little insensitive, but that's also the truth. Still he gives Keith and Shiro both a weak smile. "Sorry."

  "It's fine, Lance. Keith, I've been talking to other members of the coalition, and I got a few recommendations for therapists from some of our ally planets," Shiro explains as he gives Keith a quick grin that doesn't quite reach his eyes. Lance lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding, because he has no idea if Keith will agree to that or not.

  "Do I have to?" Keith asks in a small voice, gaze slowly coming up from his sheets to meet all of theirs. Lance gives him a weak grin while Hunk looks away, toward the floor, as though he doesn't want to have to answer the question. Lance can't really blame him, when Keith is looking at all of them wide, teary eyes.

  "I don't think I can let you keep piloting unless you do, Keith," Shiro tells him in a kind but firm voice, the hand clasped on his shoulder growing tighter. Keith lets out a small sigh, but then nods in agreement, in defeat.

  Lance hopes this is the right choice.

* * *

   Keith leaves his bedroom for the first time in three days, taking a long, hot shower that makes him feel like he’s peeled all of his old skin. He guesses he is kind of like a snake now, in a sense, leaving off the layers of his personality to become something new. Snakes just didn’t usually put the old skin back on, but then Keith’s never been like everyone else. God knows that.

  Keith doesn’t expect to see anyone on the short walk back from the showers to his room, hair still dripping water down the back of his T-shirt when Pidge turns the corner. For a second all they do is stare at each other, Pidge taking deep, gulping breaths while Keith shakes a little. Somehow seeing her is almost worse than Shiro or Lance and Hunk, her gaze confused and hurt in a way Keith doesn’t understand.

  “Hey Pidge, how have you been?” Keith murmurs as he looks over at her with a small smile, trying to keep his voice light. Pidge stares over at Keith with a blank face, though there’s a pain in her gaze that makes him look away, crossing his arms as guilt washes over him. Keith remembers, vaguely, that Pidge was freaked out by him the past few weeks. he guesses him without emotions was more different than he thought it would be. Pidge’s hands clench into fists as she keeps watching him and Keith takes a deep breath. Okay. He can handle this. “I mean, I remember what we did, the last few weeks, it’s just kind of … fuzzy I guess.”

  “Don’t do that again!” Pidge cries as she launches herself at him, slamming into his chest so hard Keith actually stumbles backwards. He catches her after a second, wrapping his arms around her, at first stiffly and then relaxing into the hug. His stomach twists as he feels something wet against his T-shirt and realizes Pidge is crying, because of  _him_.

  “Don’t know where I’d find the witch,” Keith quips as he shrugs his shoulders, smirking a bit as he glances over at Pidge. She takes a step back and out of the hug, shooting him a tight glare. Keith takes a deep breath, shaking his head so his hair falls across his face, tickling his nose. He guesses that it’s too soon to joke about what happened. He wonders if it always will be, or if someday this won’t seem like a big deal. It still doesn’t feel like one to Keith, not the choice anyway, but he knows it mattered to Pidge and that’s what matters right now. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I missed you so much. I know you probably can’t know what it was like, but seeing you like that was so scary,” Pidge murmurs as she looks up at him, shaking her head back and forth swiftly like she’s trying to wake herself up from a nightmare.

   Keith blinks owlishly, hands clenching and unclenching as he stares over at Pidge apologetically. He never meant to scare her or anything – in some ways he was trying to do just the opposite. and Keith guesses, if Pidge suddenly stopped having feelings or Lance did or whatever, he’d be freaked out too, but that’s different. Their feelings don’t put anyone in danger like Keith’s do.

  Keith swallows a bit and blinks a few times, trying to keep his feelings under check, because it’s not Pidge’s job to deal with them. it’s his own and he already failed at that a few times “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to – I thought it’d be better.”

  “It wasn’t,” Pidge calls as she takes a few steps back toward the training room, giving him a small smile as she suddenly throws herself forward again, wrapping her arms around his back. Keith hugs her back, ruffling her hair with one hand. Keith breaks it a second later and takes a step back, giving her a small smile in return. Keith knows he shouldn’t be happy right now, and he’s not exactly, but the idea that Pidge missed him, misses the things about himself he kind of thought everyone hated. Maybe … it doesn’t matter. He screwed up.

*****

  Keith walks into therapy already anxious, hands shaking in the need to either run away or run to the training room to punch something. Either would work for him. instead he finds himself in one of the rooms in the lower decks of the castle, facing an Olkari therapist named Amel that Coran and Shiro found. Apparently, their methods are similar enough to the ones used on earth that Keith and the therapist would be able to connect. Keith doesn’t have the heart to tell them how badly his required therapy went back when he was still in foster care.  

  “Hi, you must be Amel,” Keith says as he walks over the black armchair, sliding into seat with his arms crossed tightly. Keith knows he’s being unreasonable, but he doesn’t want to be here. Keith knows what the problem is, he tried to use a shortcut to fix himself instead of doing the work or whatever. Keith guesses maybe they’ll find … methods or whatever, so he’s less emotional and impulsive but not in a way that scares everyone? He guesses that could be okay. “I’ve done this before. Therapy, I mean.”

  “It’s good to meet you as well, Keith,” Amel answers him with a warm smile, giant pupiless eyes flicking over to him. Keith meets her gaze and gives her a weak smile, one that’s closer to a grimace. Keith can’t stop the swell of nervousness in his stomach, the way it’s making his mouth grow dry or his hands shake a bit as he runs his fingers over his thumb. Talking about his feelings has never been his forte. He guesses that’s part of what got him into this situation in the first place.

  “Are you going to read my mind or something?” Keith asks before he can stop himself, because he has no idea how space therapy works. He just knows that he doesn’t want anyone in his head if he can help it.

  “No, Keith, I’m not,” Amel assures him and Keith swears he can hear a laugh in her voice. He runs his hands over his thumb again, wishing he had his blade to play with instead. He decided it would probably seem hostile to take it into their first meeting. He doesn’t want anything to jeopardize his getting to fly Red and be with the team – if the team still trusts him after his latest fuck up, anyway. Keith isn’t sure he would. “I just want to hear about what caused the anxieties and concerns you mentioned in your questionnaire.”

  “Right, okay. So it’s not like, I wasn’t afraid of being hurt or anything, or – I didn’t get rid of my feelings because of that. I just wanted to be a good member of the coalition and Voltron, and the main thing that’s gotten in the way of that has been well, me,” Keith tells her, voice rising on every word as his fingers dig into his forearms. Amel raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything, she just runs her hand over her pad a few times. Notes. Notes about him. Keith takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he speaks. “I mean, my temper almost got us all killed. Twice and no one even got mad at me so I …”

  “You what, Keith?” Amel asks in a voice that gives away nothing. Keith opens his eyes after a minute, meeting her gaze with an anxious one of his own, eyebrows sloping to the side as he tries to figure out what she’s asking. What did he do exactly? What was best for the team? Sure, but … it wasn’t, was it? He thought it would be, but all it did was hurt them, but he wasn’t trying to hurt them, he only wanted to hurt – oh.

  “I punished myself,” Keith mutters in a low voice, arms going slack as the reality of the words hit him. This was about the coalition and the team, but it also wasn’t, isn’t. It’s about him. Fuck.

*****

  Keith makes enough of a breakthrough for Amel to recommend him to be allowed back on Voltron and in training, though not enough that his therapy’s done after his first two sessions. Keith figures it’s a win he should take either way. Keith walks into the training room for group practice, nervously glancing at where the others are already lined up. He’s late. Great.

  “Keith! You’re here for team training!” Hunk cries with a bright smile as he looks over at him, coming over to his side and throwing an arm around his shoulder. Keith gives him a weak smile, nodding as he leans into his touch for a moment, because he wants to and not showing how he felt is what started this right? Well, not showing things besides anger. But Hunk’s grin only grows brighter when Keith returns the hug, so he figures that was the right choice after all.

  “Yeah, I mean, I went to therapy,” Keith tells him with a small nod, looking a bit anxious as he glances across the training room, breaking the hug. He sees Shiro showing Lance how to a type of punch, both of them grinning as they throw their arms out in unison. Keith used to have fun, in training. He loves the feeling of running across the room, of play fighting, of seeing Lance grin at him when he shows him how to do something cool – or he did, anyway. Lately Keith hasn’t loved much of anything, and maybe that’s the problem. maybe he can’t survive on mission alone after all.

  “Right, we’re all going to do group therapy too, you know. Coran and the coalition thinks it’s a good idea,” Hunk tells him with a warm grin, patting Keith on the back. Keith blinks a bit, shaking his head softly because the others shouldn’t have to go just because he screwed up. That isn’t fair. Hunk’s grin fades a little, one hand coming up to pat him on the shoulder. “Shiro and Allura are both having sessions too, so it’s not just you.”

  “Right,” Keith says as he takes a deep breath, because that makes sense. They’ve both been through a hell of a lot more than Keith has. Keith gives Hunk a crooked smile that fades away after a second, but he feels a strange bubble of relief in his chest he can’t explain. That’s good.”

  “How was it?” Hunk asks after a moment, bumping shoulders with Keith. His expression is a mixture of worry and just a hint of nosiness, and that actually makes Keith’s grin come back even wider than before. There’s something nice about the fact that, as messed up as he is right now, Hunk is still Hunk. A good friend, caring, but also nosy and wanting to ask too many questions. Keith would miss that, if Hunk felt like he had to walk around eggshells around him, more than he already does, anyway.

  “Hard,” Keith admits after a second, glancing over at Hunk with a low exhale. Then Keith grins until Hunk does too, a bubble of laughter coming up his throat and sliding out. After a second Keith starts laughing too, soft and easy in a way that surprises him. 

* * *

  Hunk is nervous as he walks into the council room for therapy, giving the Olkarian therapist, Amel apparently, a nervous wave as he takes his seat cross from Keith and next to Lance. There are too many thoughts buzzing through his mind, too many worries, but somehow, he already knows the one that’ll come out if he’s asked. Every time he looks at Keith, he can feel the heat of an explosion that never was, taste ashes even though he doesn’t think that’s even possible in space. Naxzela is everywhere for him.

  Amel smiles over at all of them, expression and tone equally neutral. Hunk returns her smile with a small one of his own, while next to him Pidge pulls at her sweatshirt sleeve awkwardly, while Lance grins just a little too widely. Shiro is giving him way too serious of a look, and Keith is biting his lip and looking anywhere but at their group. Hunk feels like this isn’t the best start to therapy. “Is there anything anyone wants to begin with?”

  “I wanna talk about what happened on Naxzela, with Keith almost dying. I know that isn’t related to like, what happened, but it kind of is, because I figure Keith did those things for similar reasons,” Hunk explains all in one breath, glancing over at Keith nervously. Keith cocks his head to the side, expression soft and confused, mouth slightly open as he stares over at Hunk. Oh God, he doesn’t even get why Hunk is upset. This is even worse than he thought. “You know, because you don’t value yourself.”

  “What are you talking about?” Keith asks, voice raspy as he stares over at Hunk in confusion, eyebrows pressed together. Yeah, he’s definitely not getting it. Hunk gives him a weak shrug of the shoulders, wincing a bit as he tries to think of the best way to explain what he means without making Keith feel bad.

  “I mean – okay, I shouldn’t have said it like that, but you almost sacrificed yourself on a  _chance_  and then you got rid of your own personality because you thought it’d help us,” Hunk points out in a shaky voice, the memories of that day coming back to him little by little. Keith bites his lip but keeps his gaze steady as he watches Hunk, Amel nodding for him to continue. Hunk takes a deep breath and then looks up at the ceiling, voice coming out a bit snarkier than he would’ve hoped. “Kind of seem connected.”

  “I didn’t fly at Naxzela because I  _wanted_  to die, Hunk, I did it because we were all going to die either way, so why not take a chance to save everyone else? The universe needs Voltron and the coalition, if there was the slightest chance of saving both, I had to take it,” Keith explains in a surprisingly calm voice, though his gaze grows harder as he stares over at Hunk. Hunk meets his and looks for the anxiety, for the fear and low self-esteem he saw right after Keith got his feelings back or right before he left for the Blade, but none of it’s there right now. Keith’s better at lying to himself than them, Hunk guesses.

  Hunk clenches one hand into a fist, turning his head up toward the ceiling. He needs to stay calm and rational here, but it’s kind of impossible when he’s listening to one of his friends argue it would be okay if they died. “Not at the risk of your own life!”

  “Yes, at the risk of my life. That’s what we all signed up for, Hunk,” Keith says in a tight voice, heat starting to seep in as he shoots Hunk a slight glare. Hunk shakes his head even as he meets Keith’s gaze, because he knows that they could all die at any time – it’s one of the reasons he’s so anxious and terrified every single mission, because he knows it could be his or Lance’s or Pidge’s last – but that doesn’t mean Keith has to be so fucking cavalier about it.

  “I don’t want you to die!” Hunk cries as he throws his arms out, voice growing shakier as he stares over at him. Hunk can’t keep the tears from gathering in the corner of his eyes or the way his hands slam down on his thighs, because how does Keith not get this? They’re friends, aren’t they?

  “I don’t want to die either!” Keith mutters, eyes widening in surprise as though he hadn’t even considered that’s what Hunk was worried about here. Hunk knows Keith isn’t -that he wants to save and protect people. That’s one of the things Hunk admires about Keith. But Hunk needs him to consider his own life as worth protecting too and he doesn’t know how to make him see that. “I only flew at the ship because I thought there was a chance it could save everyone from dying, because I was going to die or be captured by the Galra either way! Hunk, this isn’t what you think it is!”

  “I understand where you’re coming from. Both of you, I mean,” Lance cuts in, voice calm as he glances between them. Hunk’s eyes widen as he frowns over at Lance, because he shouldn’t understand why their friend is okay with dying. “Keith was doing what he thought he needed to for the greater good, thinking he was gonna get killed either way, so he might as well try to make it count.”

  “Exactly!” Keith says with a firm nod, crossing his arms a bit more as he looks over at him. Hunk swallows a little, meeting his gaze with a soft sigh. Because he guesses he can kind of understand that, if Keith thought he’d die either way. But … Hunk still doesn’t, like,  _love_  it.

  “And Hunk feels like you don’t care about yourself as much as you care about the mission or whatever, and that scares him, because he already knows you’re willing to sell your soul for it,” Lance guesses as he raises an eyebrow, and Hunk doesn’t miss the flicker of surprise in Keith’s gaze. Hunk thinks that’s a good sign, giving Keith a look that’s sheepish and hopeful at the same time. He wants Keith to understand that he doesn’t – he knows Keith will always take risks but …”

  “Exactly,” Hunk says after a moment, meeting Keith’s gaze with a tight one of his own and not really listening to what Amel says. After a second Keith looks away, gaze flicking to the floor and Hunk tries to focus on the subject change to the Lions. He barely hears what Shiro says, though.

*****

  Hunk is sitting alone in the common room when he hears footsteps, soft but sweeping. He doesn’t have to look up to know that it’s Keith, but he does anyway, gaze wary as he takes in the other boy. It’s only been a few hours since therapy when Hunk revealed all of his feelings way too suddenly. He wouldn’t be surprised if Keith is mad at him, but he doesn’t look mad, smile genuine if with hints of anxiety in the way the corner of his mouth twitches.

  “Can we talk? About what happened in therapy?” Keith asks as he comes to stand by Hunk’s side, meeting his gaze with a hopeful one of his own. Hunk takes a deep breath, looking over at the steel grey wall as he tries to decide if he’s ready for this conversation, but then, he guesses he’s as ready as he’ll ever be.

  “Yeah, I guess we probably should. I’m surprised you’re coming to me,” Hunk admits with a small chortle, shaking his head as their shoulders brush together. Keith gives him a sheepish smile, gaze dropping to the floor as he flushes a bit. Hunk blinks a bit, because he didn’t think Keith knew how much he kept– or at least what he’s worried about – to himself. He thinks this might be a good sign. “Look, on an intellectual level, I know you didn’t want to die and you were taking as calculated risk as you could, given the situation and the urgency of it.”

  “Of course you do, you’re a genius,” Keith reminds him with a small smirk, cocking his head to the side as he looks over at Hunk. Hunk returns it with a slight grin of his own as he follows the turn of Keith’s head. “But then, why are you upset?”

  “You had a witch remove your personality and your emotions because you thought it’d make you a better paladin, even though that clearly wasn’t true,” Hunk points out in a low voice, not able to keep the pain from his gaze as he stares at Keith. “Look, I know you’re always going to put the greater good first, and I respect that, even if it scares me. I just worry that sometimes you don’t know that you’re just as important as all the people you’re fighting for, and you are, or at least you are to all of us. You dying or not being you – which aren’t really that different – should be last resort, not just whenever a witch asks you.”

  “I – I wouldn’t have said yes, if I knew it’d turn out like this,” Keith tells him in almost a whisper, biting his lip as he looks up at Hunk. His expression is heavy with guilt, more tender than usual as he looks over at Hunk.

 Hunk nods softly, bumping shoulders with Keith again as he gives him a soft smile. Keith gives him a crooked smile back, gaze a little softer now. Hunk thinks they might be on the same page now, or at least close enough. “I know that, Keith. I just wish you hadn’t thought about saying yes at all.”

* * *

  Keith walks into his second week of therapy, wondering if this session will be the last. Not so much because he thinks he’s better – he’s still as much of a mess as he ever was – but because sooner or later, Amel will decide he’s not worth the effort. It happened with both of the therapists he had as a kid, several foster families, the Garrison, and a social worker. Keith knows a pattern when he’s lived it.

  “Hello Keith, it’s good to see you again,” Amel tells him as he slides into the chair once again, arms crossed and expression tight. Keith wonders how true that could be, given how awkward he was the last few times. But he guesses they made progress? Maybe? He has no idea how to tell if he’s doing well. This is why he likes training, it’s easy to understand if he’s doing well or not. Therapy, not so much. At least he seems to be making some kind of headway with his friends, he guesses? “How have you been feeling since our last session.”

  “Confused, but then I’m always confused,” Keith says with a shrug, lips curling into a grimace. Outside of the mission or school, he’s never really understood what’s going on. This is no different and it might even be worse. But, if nothing else, Keith knows his flaws like the back of his hand. He has since he was 13. “It’s kind of a thing for me, along with the anger issues. And the impulse control issues. And a lot of other things.”

  Amel nods along to his words, hands hovering across her screen. Keith wonders what she’s writing down, but bites his lip instead of asking, because he figures that’s rude. “Why do you think these are issues for you?”

  “I mean, I know I push people away because my mom left, and then my dad did too. Well, he died, so he didn’t really leave, but it kind of felt the same? And then Shiro disappeared twice and I didn’t do well as a leader and well … I guess I thought I was the issue?” Keith throws out as his voice grows shakier, memories flooding back as he runs his fingers over his thumb. Everyone left, one after the other, every person Keith got attached too disappearing in the blink of an eye. He keeps letting himself feel things, need them, and then he gets hurt. The easiest way not to is shut everyone out. Then he can’t hurt them and they can’t hurt him.

  “Keith, none of those situations were caused by you or by any of your actions,” Amel points out in a calm voice, Keith looking up at her in surprise. He … he guesses that might be true, but they also had to be, right? Otherwise Keith is just what? A victim? Unlovable? Easily left behind? No, it’s better if it’s his fault. Keith hugs himself tighter as he tries to convince himself that’s true. “Why do you think you yourself responsible for these things that were out of your control?”

  “I don’t – everything bad that happens is because of me, or – I know that’s not – I’m just sick of losing people! just want to be good, like the others,” Keith cries, voice weak and raspy, hands shaking a bit as he stares down at them. That’s it. Keith will do whatever it takes to not be rejected, rather that means running away or becoming someone else. Someone better. “Like Shiro.”

  “When did you stop thinking you were?” Amel asks in a soft voice and Keith lets out a scoff before he can stop himself. Then he thinks about the question and frowns softly. He doesn’t know the answer, if there ever even was a time like that. And maybe, if he wants to stay a paladin (if he wants to be happy), he needs to.

  That scares Keith more than anything.

*****

  A few days after his next meeting with Amel, Keith runs into Shiro in the training room. They haven’t talked alone since they were in his room right after Keith got his emotions back. But then, they weren’t alone then either, Hunk and Lance were there as sort of a barrier. Keith needs Shiro to know how sorry he is, that he gets that he screwed up. Shiro deserves that much, and more importantly, Keith thinks telling him that might be part of how he gets to thinking he’s a good person, or at least an okay one. He can probably work with okay.

  “None of this would’ve happened, if I’d been a better leader,” Keith tells Shiro before the other man can speak, voice tight with anxiety. Shiro’s eyes widen, furrowing his brow as he holds up a hand as though willing Keith to stop. But no, Keith knows they need to talk about this if he’s ever going to figure out how to like himself, no matter how awkward it is. “If I’d been what you wanted me to be -”

  “Keith, that isn’t what happened. You’re right that you could have expressed your discomfort about leading to the others more … directly than leaving the team,” Shiro answers him with a slight wince, shaking his head at the memory. Keith looks down at the ground, biting his lip, because yeah, that hadn’t been his finest moment. “But I could have tried with the Black Lion more than once before I shut both of you out. Neither of us handled that situation as well as we could have, but it was never about you not being good enough to be a paladin, Keith.”

  “I just don’t see why I am,” Keith admits with a quick shrug, eyes widening a bit at the idea Shiro thinks he handled anything badly. Shiro seems to catch on, sliding one hand to his shoulder and patting it softly. And there Keith goes again, making everyone else take care of him. “I mean, I know I’m a good pilot and pretty good at hand to hand combat, I more meant, you said yourself I need to learn to control my emotions. I guess I was just looking for a shortcut?”

  “Well you found a hell of a one,” Shiro mutters in a low voice, gaze growing heavier for a second, only to suddenly close his eyes and take a deep breath. He looks like Keith when he’s telling himself that patience equals focus. Then Shiro opens his eyes and smiles at him, kind and sad at the same time. “Sorry, I don’t mean it like that. But Keith, all of the things that cause you problems, your emotionality is what lets you be so passionate and driven, and your impulsiveness is what lets you be so quick-thinking and decisive. I never wanted you to change, I just wanted to help you learn how to harness your traits to be the best version of you.”

  “What if this it?” Keith asks in a small voice, biting his lip as he waits for an answer he’s not sure he wants. Shiro looks surprised by the question, blinking a few times as something tight and almost pained comes over his eyes. Keith guesses that he finds the idea as disappointing and painful as Keith does. He couldn’t blame Shiro if he gave up on him if the answer was yes. But it’s still going to hurt, and Keith probably needs to brace himself for that.

  “Then that’s great too, Keith. I meant it when I said I don’t want you to change,” Shiro promises him, voice soft as he suddenly reaches his free hand out in the air with a slight eyebrow raise. Keith catches on, clasping his hand and letting himself be pulled into a tight hug.

  “Thanks, Shiro,” Keith murmurs as he gives the other man a slight smile, giving one last quick hug before he pulls back so they’re standing side by side. Things haven’t worked out the way either of them hoped so far (the way any of them hoped, he guesses, since he can’t imagine anyone’s plans included space wars). But maybe that doesn’t mean things can’t be okay, or that they can’t find a way there. Maybe there’s a place for them both here after all, just like this, two friends standing side by side.

*****

  Keith sits up on his bed two days after his talk with Shiro and after one more appointment with Amel, knowing what he needs to, even if it scares him. Admitting weakness is not a sin, he reminds himself as he slides to his feet, heading down the hallway toward the common room. Lance and Hunk mentioned going there to watch one of the old Altean soaps Coran has recorded on the castle, and Keith figures that’s a better time than any to pour his heart out.

  “I wanted to thank you guys,” Keith calls as he walks into the common room, glancing between the two boys fondly. Hunk and Lance both blink as they exchange confused looks, Lance raising an eyebrow at him after a moment. Right, he guesses there are a lot of things to thank them both for. Keith takes a deep breath, because well. Words aren’t really his specialty, so hopefully his explanation isn’t too awful. He gives them both a weak smile as he takes a step toward them. “Both of you, after I got my feelings back, you took care of me when you didn’t have to and -”

  “We took care of you because we wanted to, Keith,” Lance says as he brushes a hand over his shoulder, touch feather-light at first. Keith looks down at his hand in surprise, biting back a gasp as the touch grows more firm. When he looks up, he finds himself staring into Hunk’s warm gaze. “You’re our friend, we kind of like you.”

  “Just kind of?” Keith asks with a slight smirk, raising one eyebrow as Lance’s eyes widen. Then Lance lets out a bright laugh that rings across the room, shaking his head so his bangs fall across his face in a light curl Keith can’t help noticing. Hunk joins in after a moment, his own warm and light in a way that makes Keith’s heart flutter. Keith can’t help giggling himself, high and raspy in a way he normally doesn’t let other people hear.

   To think, he almost lost everything he’s feeling in this moment without Lance and Hunk.

  “See, there’s the funny Keith I know,” Hunk murmurs with a warm smile as he pats the seat on the couch between them. Keith glances at it for a moment, biting his lip before he slides in between them. it feels nice, to be with the others again when he’s not on the verge of tears or in therapy. “How are you doing?”

  “Honestly, I’m still kind of a mess, but I think I’m getting better?” Keith asks as though they’d somehow know better than him, shaking his head a bit as he realizes that. Lance gives him a knowing, grin, wiggling his eyebrows a bit as though to tease him. Keith rolls his eyes playfully, but then looks away from them and towards the wall as he tries to think of a better answer. The only one that comes to him is the same thing he knows Amel has been pushing him towards since day one of therapy. He guesses it isn’t all bad after all. “I want to kind of like me too, maybe, feelings included.”

  “Well then, we’ll be there every step of the way, buddy. Because as much as I tease you? I like how passionate you are, the faces you make when I tease you,” Lance tells him in a surprisingly firm voice, eyes locked onto Keith’s as he speaks. Hunk nods along, reaching out to wrap an arm around Keith’s shoulder, then past it so he’s holding all three of them together. Keith smiles a bit sheepishly, flushing at the compliments and the touch. It’s a lot all at once. “And how determined and fast and good you are. We all do, you’re important to us, Keith, just the way you are.”

  “Yeah, I’m getting that,” Keith admits with a small smile, gaze flicking between the two boys as Red’s purrs pick up in the back of his head. for the first time in almost a month, she sounds content, purrs warm and encouraging as Keith relaxes between his two friends. “Thank you.”

  Keith doesn’t love his emotions and impulses, doesn’t see the value in them, not yet. But his friends and family do, and he wants to, and Keith thinks that might be a start. That’s all he can ask for. 


End file.
